Maaan, I had plans for this episode. Seriously, this comedy routine thing is freaking me out. I thought being insightfulwas hard… fuck, being entertaining is a lot of responsibility! So yes, I have a number of more or less entertaining full-episode conceits in the pipeline, and yes, I probably have spent a little too much time prioritizing the entertainment of you, you unappreciative rabble, over admittedly fairly relevant concerns like maintaining employment and striking some semi-artistic mark on the world. But you know what? I’m sorry. Tonight, I visited some new friends in the area, and perhaps partook of an unwise number of questionable beverages. Tonight, I got a little bit selfish, and my much-vaunted objectivity will perhaps suffer as a result. Tonight, I am drunk, and motherfucker this is what you’re getting, like it or not. Give me some fucking
Crime Edge: Episode 3
0:11 – Dear god did I miss this show. If conflating hair maintenance with sex is wrong, I don’t want to be right. And frankly, what kind of callous, coal-hearted man would deny their own proclivity towards sexy grooming? Their hypocrisy has no place in my hair-centric world
0:45 – I have to admit, I’m kind of awed by how well they maintain this hair-sex thing. The fact that my body is conflicted about how sexy this is is proof enough (I hope? I mean, we’re all friends here, right?) that they have some pretty solid understanding of how direction can affect emotional tone
1:59 – This OP makes me wonder if all OPs are this absurd. She stands aloft, stranded on a fern-strewn precipice within a… field of battleaxes? I guess? I don’t know where this joke is going, but fortunately our resident Rei/Asuka-antiheroes are here to present Rei licking Asuka’s arm in a sexy, sexy way, and that’s humor enough for the both of us
2:10 – Just realized Hair Queen is naked during this scene. Can’t wait to get some context on this one
3:05 – I just realized the Hair Queen’s tragic curse exists partially to allow the writers to dress their precious hair-muse in a new hairstyle every week. Honestly, I’m less annoyed with the obviousness of how blatantly pandering this is than the fact that it doesn’t pander to me
3:35 – It’s funny because she was happy before! It’s always encouraging when this show reminds us that it has no idea how to actually be intentionally funny
4:23 – Goddamnit are this show’s unintentional parodies wonderful. Right here, we have the classic “my talent isn’t that great, don’t make a big deal out of it” statement by some secondary character, followed by the “don’t sell yourself short, I think you’re amazing!” statement by our secretly not so secretly godly protagonist. But because this is Crime Edge, the talent they’re comparing is motherfucking hair. Don’t sell yourself short, secondary love interest – your ability to continue growing the hair that inevitably vomits out of your scalp is super fucking impressive! Clearly I have a great deal left to learn!
5:36 – Alright, cut the bullshit Kiri. That hair is nuts and I need to know the truth
6:00 – I’m sorry, but how can I make fun of these scenes? “Her hair is so shiny, like a baby’s… does she have some kind of disease?” This is inherently hilarious. It’s like pointing and laughing at a clown’s red nose and oversized shoes. This show is so ridiculous it is making my job virtually impossible
7:24 – “His Goods is that of a hammer.” Is it the original writer, screenwriter, or translator that is responsible for crimes against humanity like that sentence? Who precisely do I have to kill to make sure that kind of tense disagreement never occurs again?
7:33 – Well, now we’re fucked. If it’d merely been the Sledgehammer of Indiscriminate Maiming, or perhaps the Sledgehammer of Delightfully Ironic Massaging, we’d have been golden. But the Sledgehammer of Crushing Disintegration…
8:33 – Could someone please remind me what any of these fucking Killing Goods have to do with the Hair Queen in the first place?
8:50 – Awww, Junkie Rei’s on their side after all. How heartwarmingly predicable
10:47 – Credit where credit’s due – “her change of clothes” followed by a dramatic bolt of lightning was a pretty effective gag. The less said about the sexytimes horn accompaniment, the better
12:00 – You seem tense. Let me tell you about my terrifying lineage of murder-happy ancestors
13:06 – WTF? Straight-up naked girls? I certainly don’t see how this appeals to my blindingly pure hair fetish. Way to demean your audience, Crime Edge
13:45 – Hair AND nudity? Now THIS is more like it
13:55 – “So this is how it grows – in a series of five Gaussian-blurred frames. Obviously…”
14:47 – On this day, fourteen minutes and forty-seven seconds into the third episode of Crime Edge, the show itself finally realizes hair-cutting is a metaphor for sex. Let this day live in infamy and regret for all of eternity
15:43 – Dear christ, I better close all these doors or the man who obliterated an entire wall of our house will be able to get to us
20:00 – Well goddamn. Alright, I’ll admit it – at its best, this show is the Gurren Lagann of barber empowerment fantasies. That fight scene was hot to death, Crime Edge. Trade off between that and the super-weird, super-intimate hair-sex stuff, and we might really have something here
Against all odds, this show relentlessly continuous to be Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge. I had my doubts, but they were proven unfounded and frankly predicated on cowardice. At this point, anyone who doubts this show will continue to be Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge should be tried, shot, and hung, preferably simultaneously. If your hair isn’t quivering by now, get your traitorous ass the fuck out of here