Shit, I forgot to do today’s prep work. Well, maybe we can make it a group activity, then. How about…
Take 1 drink every time hair is used as a sex metaphor.
Take 1 drink every time the spooky organs/strings come in.
Take 1 drink every time a romcom cliché is applied to a story about Hair Queens and Killing Goods.
Take 1 drink every time the show tries to tell an actual joke, proving it’s only funny when it’s not trying to be.
Take 2 drinks every time the show implies violent sex.
Finish your drink every time the show doesn’t just imply, but straight-up includes violent sexy times.
That should cover us!
0:44 – “I hear a voice from somewhere… it’s telling me to assault girls.” Goddamnit Crime Edge. Two drinks before I even reach the minute marker? Fuck you.
0:49 – It’s good to see Iwai is observing responsible scissor-holding posture while fleeing the zombies
2:08 – Does a camera shot aiming down her thighs as she runs count as anything? …nope, just generally weird, and if “generally weird” were a category, I really wouldn’t be getting out of this alive
3:17 – “It should have been a fun night after dinner… instead we’re here condemning Bobduh to death by alcohol poisoning.” Two more!
4:33 – “Pet Whip of Submissive Butchery.” How is everyone not watching this show? Anyway, I actually do appreciate that she’s the dominant one; but then, for as weird as all its sex stuff is, and as uncomfortable as all this sexual assault stuff makes me, the show doesn’t really seem all that backwards in its gender roles. So I guess we can now official declare Crime Edge as “more progressive in gender politics than Clannad, at least”
5:12 – Does… does this all count as one violent sex metaphor? I’m going with that, for my health
5:57 – Goddamnit, just finish your slow-walk villain monologue so Kiri can get on with unexpectedly blocking the whip
It’s weird to go directly from critiquing a show like Serial Experiments Lain to one where every single plot contrivance is the first one listed in the Anime Bible of Storytelling Cliches
6:40 – I like the doctor’s rakish grin/cigarette/literature combo. He clearly knows how to mug for the camera
7:42 – Their cries of ‘Monster’ cut deep… her hair insecurities paralyze her with shame and regret
8:00 – Nice, once again they’re forcing Iwai to be strong for her own sake. Can we now confidently declare that Crime Edge is also “more progressive in gender politics than HenNeko?”
8:08 – Oooh, hair as adultery metaphor – I like it! Still only one drink though
10:30 – “If you don’t say what you mean, I won’t understand.” See, now they’re applying classic adolescent emotional moments to the action parts of the show, which is a whole different, but still humorously effective, kind of parallel. Could this… could this show actually know what it’s doing?
11:26 – So wait, does the Crime Edge have like a Stun setting or something? Or is he just giving all of them such satisfying trims that they immediately collapse in exhaustion and delight? …or is he just murdering all these dudes?
I’m just gonna guess he’s only hitting them with the flat of his shears
12:43 – JESUS CHRIST did he give that guy a clipping. Scissors right through the cheek… Senjougahara would approve
13:34 – Oshit it’s Sharktooth
15:00 – Wait, wouldn’t the rope not have killed him anyway? Is his hang-worthiness a plot development, or his hang-unworthiness a plot hole?
Dear god, it just occurred to me that things might actually happen in this show without any coherent reason. I think I need a drink to steady myself
15:20 – ‘Me, a loser? The… the gall! And yet… oh god… he’s right!‘
16:08 – Kiri, unimpressed by the Pet Whip’s emotional breakdown, casually spins his scissors like a boss
16:24 – Oh dear god. As soon as that white flash started I thought, ‘please, no, not a trite emotional flashback,’ and then of course the first line is ‘I was sad I didn’t get to play the princess in the school play’
17:01 – Wait… that’s it? I thought that school play was going to start a downward spiral, or, or something, but… her backstory is actually “one time I didn’t get to play the princess, and that’s when I knew that I was born to kill”?
18:05 – “I’ve always loved your wavy red hair… your semi-insane entitlement issues, I could take or leave.”
20:18 – “You said I was only a convenience for cutting your hair… I was kinda upset.” Welp, it looks like Crime Edge has more capacity for emotional honesty than… er, every single harem?
21:30 – No complaints here – this is an adorable and well-executed idea for a credit transition
Goddamnit Crime Edge, this isn’t Pokemon – you can’t go and immediately become best pals with everyone who tries to kill you. Well, I guess technically you can, because you’re living in a world that’s simultaneously a teen romcom, psychological sex thriller, and shounen battle adventure, but… that doesn’t make it any part of this less nonsensical.
I love you Crime Edge. Don’t ever change.