HELLO AND WELCOME to the GREATEST show on earth. I’m your host Bobduh – proud president of the Commentary Club and humble student of our mighty Academy. We have a tremendous show lined up for you tonight, and a great crowd of students, thirsty for blood, thirsty for glory. LET’S HEAR IT FOR HONNOUJI ACADEMY! PRAISE BE TO LADY SATSUKI!
Yes, praise be. No time for chit-chat – you’re all settled, so LET’S ANNOUNCE OUR FIGHTERS!
In the downward-angled corner, where all the shots are designed to make you look scrappy and underdoggish, we have MATOI RYUUKO, the scowling challenger with a chip on her shoulder and no coherent philosophy! Does she fight for love and justice?! Does she fight for control of her public image?! We don’t know! She doesn’t know! We live in a world of thematic uncertainty! But Ryuuko doesn’t let that get her down – she’s going to wave that scrappy protagonist banner all through the night because fuck you friendship that’s why! Bless her little heart.
AND IN THE UPWARD-ANGLED CORNER, where all the shots make you thirty stories tall, we have INUMUTA HOUKA, scion of the shadows, proud owner of ROUGHLY SEVEN LINES OF DIALOGUE! But does he let THAT get him down?WHAT FUCKING SHOW DO YOU THINK WE’RE WATCHING OF COURSE HE DOESN’T. Houka lets his goddamn design do the talking, and talk it does! Ice-blue hair, a suit OUTRAGEOUSLY DESIGNED to conceal his mouth, that keyboard, those eternally bridge-slipping glasses – Houka’s not a man who leaves his character archetype up to chance! But will his carefully crafted calculations corral our choleric challenger? THAT WOULD CERTAINLY BE AN UNEXPECTED NARRATIVE SCENARIO! Bets are placed and stakes are raised, my friends – no time now to regret not springing for the non-exploding bleachers! LET’S KILL LA KILL!
0:02 – BUT BEFORE THAT LET’S ESTABLISH SOME MUCH-NEEDED CONTEXT. Ryuuko may not have a philosophy, but that doesn’t mean HOUKA has to go into battle without a shirt on! Well, metaphorical shirt, that is. It’s good to be precise!
0:26 – The spark of youth shines in his eyes! Though their mettle is indeed fierce, all of Satsuki’s champions have been tempered by her firm hand. But is this even disposition a weakness, OR A STRENGTH?
0:52 – Gaze at the glory of our dazzling cityscapes and jazzy soundtrack! Though our young heroes are the stars today, we must never forget the supremacy of our great benefactor and art director Imaishi! PRAISE BE TO IMAISHI
1:05 – WHAT LACK OF RESOLVE IS THIS?! Friends, spectators, how can we cheer for such a sniveling dog of a champion?! The heart weeps to think of such a coward besmirching our hollowed stage. How could it come to this?!
1:18 – BOW YOUR HEADS LEST THE SUN SCORCH YOUR EYES. ALL HAIL OUR LADY OF RESOLVE AND GLORY
1:32 – AS OUR LADY SPEAKS, SO IT IS WRITTEN. Cast away the rags of false modesty! Stand proud or be forever stricken!
1:43 – LIGHT EMANATES FROM HER VERY BEING. And what’s this? A drop of ambition, gleaming in the froth of this rabid dog? He may yet learn, dear spectators! He may yet learn
2:04 – And would ya look at that! In spite of his weakness, in spite of his cowardice and lack of ambition, Satsuki sees strength in him! Strength in us all!
As we come together for nights like this, sometimes it’s easy to forget what brought us all to these hallowed bleachers. I know, I know, this is a time for fun, and you know I’m a fun-loving guy – but let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the grace of Lady Satsuki. She who, in her infinite wisdom, admitted us to this most mighty of Academies. Even I was ready to count out sniveling little Houka – but Lady Satsuki knew better. Lady Satsuki knows your strength is waiting, if you’ve only the resolve to claim it. Lady Satsuki wants you to succeed, and for all her disdain for weakness, it is not she who decides if you are a pig in human clothing.
No. We make that choice – every choice – for ourselves.
Alright. Sorry for getting a little sentimental there. Let’s get back to the program!
2:15 – AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Ladies and gentlemen, the zipper is closed. THE ZIPPER IS CLOSED
3:50 – The stage is set! The contestants are ready! I hope you’ve got your popcorn ready folks, we’re seeing some blood tonight!
3:52 – Look at that insolence! Look at that glare! It’s the girl we love to hate, MATOOOOOIIII RYUUUKOOOOOO
3:55 – Hoho, that’s our glasses-pusher! Eyes on his data, mind on the prize, it’s our Intelligence and Strategy Committee Chair, INUMUTA HOOOOUKAAAAAA
4:35 – What’s this?! Matoi’s trainer Mankanshoku Mako and former contestant Gamagoori Ira, fraternizing in the No-Star stands? Truly this shows the egality of our fair society – though Gamagoori has been brought low, it is with pride that he stands among even the lowliest curs of our noble academy. Let his example be an inspiration to us all!
4:49 – TRULY HIS RESOLVE IS LEGEND. To say nothing of those chiseled abs… I know, I know. I’m terrible
5:19 – These are two who truly understand our spirit of healthy competition! You hear that, friends!? BLOOOOOOD
5:45 – Hoho, that’s our Nonon! What a kidder! But remember friends, only death awaits those who doubt our Lady Satsuki
6:11 – AND OUR BATTLE BEGINS
6:35 – Stylish and practical! Our Inumuta’s patented three-star Goku is the height of fashionable power-channeling
7:07 – Don’t go doing my job for me, Inumuta! As expected of our Intelligence Chief!
7:15 – A daring charge by Matoi! But will it be enough?
8:26 – Her resolve is enormous!
8:39 – And the crowd gasps! What happened to Inumuta?! Here’s guest commentator Gamagoori with his insights:
Guest commentator Gamagoori, thank you for your enlightening words!
9:03 – Count on Inumuta to take this fight to the psychological level! How will Matoi counter this startling development?!
10:53 – RANK COWARDICE?! What do you say to that, crowd?! There is no room for cowardice in the chapel of resolve!
11:19 – DOES HER MERCY KNOW NO BOUNDS. As we stare to that blood-red horizon, all must recognize that however far this battered existence extends, Lady Satsuki’s greatness of spirit rides beyond it. ALL HAIL LADY SATSUKI
And with that, a brief intermission as our champions prepare for their next bout. Thank you all for joining us, and may your resolve never waver!
-Please be conscientious of your ushers and take all belongings, fluids, and organs with you when you exit-
Hello again, and thank you all for joining us on this most glorious of days! The sun of Lady Satsuki’s enlightenment surely shines bright on our noble killing floor. And what’s that, on the monitors?
13:12 – Go get ‘em, Mankanshoku! See the resolve even our lowliest of insects can muster? Stay strong, friends. The fight is soon to begin!
13:43 – And what’s that I hear? Arriving at the head of her sonorous marching band, it’s our Non-Athletic Committee Chair, JAKUZUREEEEEEE NONON!
14:00 – What a character! Here’s a girl who knows the cheery glee of utterly subjugating your inferiors!
14:33 – And look at that stunning outfit! Seems our Nonon’s a practical gal – fashion is fashion, but nothing beats a suit that can crush your opponents under its massive, treaded heel!
15:10 – Now that’s what I call a ringing endorsement! I kid, I kid. You know I like my little jokes!
15:20 – Nonon, you’re terrible! Isn’t she a riot, folks?
15:51 – That’s our Nonon!
16:38 – Let us once again return to the days of yore, when our noble Academy was but a gleam in Lady Satsuki’s perfect, all-seeing eye
17:11 – Even as a child, our Lady Satsuki did not accept what was given. OUR LADY SATSUKI TOOK WHAT WAS HERS
17:45 – HEED HER WORDS AND TREMBLE
19:19 – A daring strike by Matoi! Does her uniform’s continuous inventiveness know no end?!
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. THAT was a battle. A performance. A WAR! In the clash of our noble contestants, we saw that most fleeting and worthy of qualities – true resolve! As you lie battered and broken on the stage of this glorious contest, let the conviction of our champions fill your heart with glory! And as those bombs explode overhead, let not the burning cinders distract you from the glory that lies beyond – that shining beacon, our strength and our hope, the mighty Lady Satsuki. For it is in her name that we gather here today. For it is by her grace that we have merited the right to cheer and die on this blackened, bloodstained field. And as her light shines upon us, let us raise our hands in cheer to that one resolve above all others, the strength of will that clove mountains to raise an Academy worthy of the greatest strainings of our squirming, ever-piglike spirit.
ALL HAIL LADY SATSUKI.