I’m tired, boys and girls. These old bones have seen too much; too much pain, too much hardship, too much hair and bruises and bodily fluids. I’ve done the best I can, and I’m proud of every damn minute – proud of all of you. I wouldn’t take this bizarre and sexually confusing journey back for the world.

We began as humble explorers, keen on striking out for new horizons. A compelling soundtrack, a few strange and irreconcilable visual details – these were our clues, the breadcrumbs that led us to this winding, treacherous path. How could we have known the perils to come? The lines crossed, narrative rules broken or fundamentally misunderstood, yearnings awakened, never to slumber again? And yet, each turn of the screw held its own strange and rarely mentionable pleasures. Hair as sex object – haircut as virginity proxy. A deaf piano tuner. A moe needle addict. A witch named Witchy. A loli assassin. Each new tangle in the weave added subtleties to the glossy sheen, braiding itself naturally into locks fortified by random misappropriations of genre conventions and a fundamental certainty that everything happening could not conceivably be any more erotic.

My friends, tonight our journey comes to an end. But let us not dwell on that – nay, let us consider it a new beginning; a revision of the world we knew, now colored by our common pilgrimage. For the moments we have shared will stay with us, connecting us like shimmering ebon tresses no matter the distance. Though our paths may diverge, our common ends will never split. Though our time together may be shorn, no Goods may sever the time we had.

Let rise the curtain, friends. Let our final hour be bright and soft as silk.

Episode 13

0:25 – The Hair Queen gazes at the loli, at the flames, at the loli. Gritting her teeth, she comes to a decision. To hell with Gossip and all the rest of them. She has her principles

0:53 – Really? Greyland is in the House? I mean, I know you never intended to be classy, Crime Edge, but…

Gah, fine. Whatever. Raise the roof, Greyland is in the house

1:11 – “Hey, Lolino. Now that you’re delirious from blood loss and unable to actively murder me, I figured we could have a bonding moment.”

1:38 – I had to backtrack to confirm he was wearing half a pair of glasses. Ain’t give a damn.

2:07 – “As for how or why she was found, most members of Gossip don’t have a clue.” The joke is that there are actually people who care about the exposition and world-building in made-up nonsense stories like these ones. I had an argument yesterday with someone mad that the technology in frikkin’ Gargantia doesn’t make scientific sense. Because clearly that makes the point of that show come tumbling down

2:20 – “He was looking for something miraculous… something that could cut my hair.” “Dear god, let me find a tool to cut my daughter’s relatively inconvenient hair!” Fucking first world problems…

2:44 “I was jealous… and so I decided to end your life.” “I see.” Man, Iwai is just #1 at bonding with people who try to murder her. It’s the shounen protagonist gift

4:34 – And it all comes down to this. Can the love of such a pure maiden tame the savage beast?

Wait. Iwai isn’t pure in the slightest.

Well, we tried

5:02 – Is it just me, or does Kiri’s berserker crab walk look exceptionally silly?

Also, while we’re here, might as well mention that this whole “spirit of the killer” thing is taking the sex-fetish-as-addiction thing to staggering new depths of creepiness. At this point, any attempts to say this show is a metaphor for anything will probably make it come off as more rapey than it already is

5:42 – Yep, things are getting pretty weird

6:17 – “Savagely, like a wild beast… he violated my hair.”

There it is, folks. Pack it up, get the gear in the van. Not sure where we can go from here

8:54 – Aaand her hair starts growing again.

I mean, does the show want me to actually articulate the idea it’s getting at here? Regarding how the Hair Queen thing is a metaphor for her comfort level with her self and sexuality, and how her relationship with Kiri has changed and subsequently regressed that sexual identity? I’m not gonna do it. This show just said “he violated my hair.” It has lost all analysis privileges

9:27 – Well, it’s nice to see Iwai and Emily are getting on like a forest on fire in which someone’s hair was just violated

10:02 – SERIOUSLY? We are SERIOUSLY following up that scene with a bath scene starring Iwai and Lolino? Crime Edge, you don’t give a single fuck. And by that I mean take a seat right over there

10:07 – “I lost my motivation. I wonder what I was hung up on all these years?” Well it’s nice to know your desire to murder an innocent girl wasn’t just an errant fancy or anything

13:32 – “It’d be easy for me to say killing is wrong.” On the one hand, what the fuck, why are these characters naked for this entire fucking episode. On the other hand, it’s refreshing to see a shounen protagonist admit that people have different circumstances, and sometimes moral high grounds are just convenient disconnects from the world. On the third, fourth, and fifth hands, why are these characters naked for this entire fucking episode.

Maybe it’s a metaphor for my fist in the author’s face

15:16 – “This hospital is run by Gossip.” Yes, that makes sense to me

16:28 – More exposition. This isn’t even pretending to be a last episode. Fuck you, Crime Edge. You can’t keep doing this to me. I’m under no obligation to cover your goddamn second season

17:17 – Why does she keep attacking him with her boobs when she knows he’s into Iwai? Shouldn’t she be smothering him with her hair or something?

19:27 – Dat piano ballad OP arrangement

19:41 – “You will fight many more enemies…” Wait, what? We’re getting the ending speech now? They haven’t even fucking made up yet! You can’t do this to me, Crime Edge! You fill your last episode with random nudity and pointless exposition and don’t even have the main characters share a conversation GAH, CRIIIIIME EEEEEEDGEEEEE!!!!

20:33 – Wait, final haircut appointment? Oh thank god

21:50 – His shears sing out, cutting softly, deftly, like a gentle breath of wind. It feels good. It feels right. -FIN-

22:45 – Except for this montage of batshit insane images from the extremely presumptuously expected sequel

And Done

Well.

Jeez, I don’t even know.

Was it good for you?

That show, guys. That show. When it wasn’t incoherent it was offensive, when it wasn’t offensive it was inept, and when it wasn’t inept it was actually kind of touching. I dunno. It’s too stupid to be problematic. It’s too strange and personal to be satire. It’s too Crime Edge to be anything else.

Our story ends where it began, with two young lovers sharing the innocent joy of cutting hair, changed by their journey and yet somehow still the same. Their path has led them through many trials and a rogues gallery of memorable acquaintances: Sharktooth, Fishwoman and Sis, Ragemaiden, Lolino, Glasses-pusher, and all the rest. They’ve learned… well, they haven’t actually really learned anything, the themes have been pretty incoherent all along. They’ve learned cutting hair is sexy. I guess they already knew that. I guess the sexiness was inside them all along. And that’s something we should all take care to remember.

Anyway. I enjoyed this demented little shounen-drama-mystery-romcom-erotica. It was weird and disjointed and sometimes troubling and always extremely honest. I think honesty is a good thing to strive for in art. And in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’d like to honestly say it’s been a pleasure writing these, and hearing that some of you enjoy them has meant a lot to me. Thanks for reading. Fuck you all if you think I’m covering another season of this lunacy.

Regards and love and all my shears,

Bobduh

Oh jeez, someone already made the thread. Alright, game face, Bobduh. You don’t have any notes or skits prepared. That’s cool. You’re naturally charming. The crowd loves you. You can DO THIS.

Hey guys! Do you know what time it is? Of course they know what time it is you idiot they’re reading the goddamn thread. Personally, I’ve got a beer in my hand in the middle of the week and I’m suffering from sleep madness after working two back-to-back ten hour shifts. I’m guessing that means it’s time for Crime Edge.

Two episodes left. Tension has been brought to a hot, sexy boil, with Kiri about to confront the most deadly and least appropriate of characters this show has decided to sexualize. Last episode saw him learning crucial details about the nature of his powers, such as the fact that his mentor probably has a large beard and was maybe an aristocrat or something I don’t know. Hopefully this vital information will aid him in the treacherous conflict to come. With only two episodes to go and the subjects of summer Comiket chosen months ago, we’re all running out of time to see Kiri consummate his love before getting his fool ass killed. Frankly, I don’t think he’s treating his situation with the seriousness it deserves – in a battle of Killing Goods, anything approaching stability will always be hair today, gone tomorrow.

Aw man, we haven’t even started this episode yet. Spittin’ fire, motherfuckers! Let’s get to it.

Episode 12: All Good Lolis Must Come to An End

Well, I assume that title’s relevant. Rolling with it.

0:10 – Oh man, starting off with Rage Maiden and The Other One. Could this mean the battle with Lolino will unlock his latent Author powers?

…I’m guess this means the battle with Lolino will unlock his latent Author powers

1:04 – Really, Kiri? Is this really the time to be taking pictures for your Pinterest?

4:13 – “She probably only sees death like going to a faraway country, or becoming one with the stars.” To be fair, that’s kinda the prevailing view at the moment. Aw yeah, secular humanist humor! 

4:30 – I’m a fan of any plan that begins with staring at a tiny girl and thinking “If I can get her to fear death…”

6:27 – I realize they’re going for the Alexander Anderson  thing, but from this angle I can only see him wearing a mining helmet 

7:57 – Wait, she’s not even wearing glasses! How come she get to do the Anderson thing?

8:27 – “Looks like I just dug my own grave.” Oh jeez Kiri, are you beginning to regret antagonizing the loli who handed you your ass yesterday?

8:40 – It’s actually strangely satisfying to see him get the shit beaten out of him for making such terrible decisions

9:34 – “Grayland didn’t kill 200 people? But… but, that can’t be! I believed in him!”

10:29 – That’s right Kiri, fall off that cliff! Best way to avoid being actually murdered: give yourself a Disney-villain death

10:46 – “Otherwise I’ve been overestimating my powers all along…” At what point was he ever basing his power level on the alleged murderiness of the scissors’ original owner? I figured he was basically just swinging them around and hoping that would work up til now

11:33 – Oh shit, here we go. Sensei o’clock

12:14 – Really digging these dramatic jenga angles

15:13 – Shit, kids! That scene was intense! And now, for the penetrating questions: how will Kiri’s newfound thirst for blood affect his relationship with Iwai!?

16:15 – Lolino is obviously well-acquainted with attempted Disney Deaths. Find the goddamn body, set that fucker on fire.

17:10 – If these readings are correct… Kiri has entered berserker mode! 

18:19 – “Taking pleasure in inflicting great pain.” Yeah, that’s pretty spot-on for this show. Light-side Kiri just indulges in a some light grooming, dark-side Kiri is all BDSM all the time

21:44 – “She was so unmoving… and now she’s just a mess.” Mission accomplished, guys! Well, I for one feel great about today’s work

And Done

God DAMN! That last quarter was legitimately intense and uncomfortable the whole way through; they definitely succeeded in selling the terribleness of embracing your inner psycho killer (qu’est que c’est). Kiri has definitively won his second bout with Lolino, and, in brutally assaulting her to the point of hysteria, perhaps taught her that Killing is Wrong. But at what cost?!? I assume he’s out there in the woods somewhere, reveling in his inner beast, attempting to howl at the moon but being significantly hampered by the scissors in his mouth. Will Iwai’s love be enough to draw him back to his healthy fetishes?

Yeah, it probably will. We gotta wait a week to see it though. Cya then!

You know I’ve reached the point where I type up intros for this crap, revise them, and then scrap them because they’re not good enough? This is ridiculous. I was planning on doing a Lovecraft redux, and actually have the prologue for that written, but then I realized my list of remaining Lovecraft-specific gags consisted of:

1. Make a joke where the narrator thinks Kiri is invoking a dark ritual, but he’s actually just gagging on hair.
2. Lovecraft is crazy-racist.

So, not a whole lot to work off. Either way, things are heating up in the land of knife-wielding loli imoutos, and I don’t just mean that sexually. Not to say sexually isn’t one of the ways I mean that. Be- because it is.

Just to be clear.

We have Lolino acting almost as tsun as her namesake, we have the vague and incoherent machinations of Gossip stumbling around in the shadows, and, close to home, we have our beloved title pair, tied together by the hairs of fate, torn apart by the heartless arms of plot necessity. Last week they relinquished their facades and vowed to maintain a new honesty, strengthening their implacable bonds of love and affection – but will it be enough? Will the power of love triumph over the forces of darkness? Will the good, clean honesty of Kiri’s unimpeachable fetishes triumph over the wicked, uncaring eyes of society?

Frankly, I hope not. If this shit gets renewed, I’ll end up with enough material to publish. Kill ’em all, Lolino.

Episode 11

0:00 – By the way, when I was building that last paragraph, I was trying to fit in a line about the manga’s author, and realized for the first time that the personal nature of this fantasy is even more overt than I thought – the author of a story lionizing weird fetishes has actually defined those fetish aficionados as superheroes known as… authors. Ba-fucking-dum-psh.

0:18 – Am I the only one who just sees continuous electricity between our main two at this point? Once again, I have to ask why fucking Crime Edge is the show demonstrating that relationship drama doesn’t get boring as soon as the characters actually enter a fucking relationship.

It reminds me of that new interview with the Chuunibyou director, where he said he’s going to slow down the relationship between the main pair because apparently tension is lost as soon as they kiss. No. No, that is a lie. No and fuck you very much. C’mon directors, grow a pair and realize not every interesting moment of a relationship occurs in the first five percent of one. Goddamnit

This may sound like me just ranting because I never get to see any of my favorite characters slobbering all over each other, but I assure you that’s only half true

3:52 – “Apparently she fulfills the requirements to be the Author of that magical artifact.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Don’t worry, it took me a few episodes too

6:15 – I’m so glad we’re getting such a thorough, detailed explanation of Lolino’s backstory and motivation. I was really wondering about that.

6:54 – These dogs are making me extremely uncomfortable. 6:35-6:44 is even worse thanNibutanixCerberus

9:20 – “So that’s why she inflicted so many small cuts on me.” Yes, her strategy was to not hurt you too badly, because otherwise you might die before her magic knife got to kill you. Well, as far as Crime Edge murder-strategies goes, that one’s actually fairly ahead of the curve

10:30 – C’mon, fish girl. Just lick them. You know you want to

10:43 – “I knew it. Killing Goods.” What a remarkable first guess

11:20 – “Not even a doctor could help you with these unhealing wounds.” Seriously struggling to not make a “Crawling in my skin” joke here

11:56 – I’ve never been one for the Innsmouth Look, but that is moe as fuck

13:06 – SHAME ON BOTH OF YOU! To think fishwoman would cheat on her sister like this… I’m sorry I ever thought she was moe

15:30 – CRIME EDGE STOP THAT THIS INSTANT THIS IS VERY CONFUSING TO ME

16:21 – “If I could see him in my dreams… would I become stronger?” Holy shit, that’s an honest-to-goodness reasonable plot development! Developing himself as an Author would increase his ability to protect Iwai while simultaneously weakening his resistance against the Killing Goods. A plot turn that also bears inherent relevance on the character development and relationship drama? I didn’t know you had it in you, Crime Edge!

17:39 – So is Grayland gonna become his spirit sensei now? Well, it’s worked before

19:52 – “Knife, Gun, and Poison.” Oh god, three super-authors and only two episodes to go? If this shit gets renewed I am going on strike

20:03 – Oh Kiri. “Now that I’ve told you what I’m doing and where I’m going, would you mind telling me if you plan on killing my girlfriend?”

22:25 – “Besides, today’s…” What. The anniversary of his death, perhaps? And you’re visiting his grave? The grave of the father of the girl who’s trying to kill you? The girl you’re attempting to become stronger than, because you know she’ll currently murder your ass flat?

Brilliant, Kiri. You’ve really outdone yourself this time

And Done

Damn! That last scene was beautifully shot and perfectly scored – one of the rare but consistent times where the show indulges a moment in a really great, somewhat beautiful and somewhat creepy way – like the extended piano song at the bar, or Kiri and Iwai dancing under the stars. More of those please!

Anyway. This episode would have been pretty dull if it weren’t being so goddamn lewd all the time… no, yeah, it was pretty dull either way. All dem infodumps were somewhat redeemed by actually being kind of effective, but they were still a series of infodumps about Killing Goods, and this show rarely makes me care about it by actually trying to make me care. As any of you who know my tastes can attest, only blood or sex will satisfy my anime lusts, and this episode was clearly holding out on me. If it weren’t for that strangely alluring fishwoman, I’d have to consider this one a wash.

Hmm… fishwoman…

Yeah, not sure how I feel about these emotions. I’m think I’m gonna go sort some stuff out, you guys. I’ll see you next week.

Briefly:

I was reading Slaughterhouse Five earlier today.

No, that doesn’t mean I’m a high school freshman – I read the goddamn thing ten years ago already, and I don’t know why they assign that book in high school anyway. I don’t really know what you’ll get out of Slaughterhouse Five before you learn you’re actually going to die one day, and I’ve never met a high schooler who was fully aware they were going to die. Which is good in some ways, and bad in others – good in that everyone deserves their nostalgia, and bad in that I sure wish someone had told me prior to college that I was gonna die pretty soon, and I didn’t actually get unlimited chances to spend four years hopefully becoming a well-rounded, educated, and articulate adult human being.

Which brings me back around to this present day, where I am slumped in a booth on lunch break eating a slice of pizza and reading Slaughterhouse Five and listening to some drooling, sterilized pop-country dribble through the speakers and thinking about the hopelessness of human nature and how me writing irreverent takedowns of an ineptly written Japanese cartoon probably doesn’t do a whole lot to further our collective struggle for a just and humane future where we no longer spend all our energy killing and oppressing each other or trying to avoid being killed and oppressed.

Story over! No moral. Time for anime!

Episode 9

0:01 – Ahahaha that felt great. Seriously though, connecting through art is sweet and rewarding and absolutely valuable, I just wanted to coldcock you guys with that one. <3

0:55 – Did someone just throw that key through his leg? That was… exceeding helpful of them!

2:36 – Man, screw you guys. I was just sitting here all politely nursing a glass of water, trying to get over Con Plague from Anime Boston… but utter sobriety will clearly hamper my aesthetic, and so I’m going to get a beer instead. I damage myself for you

3:02 – “Lyrical Night Fright.” – HAH! They don’t make actual puns for the title every episode either! I’m off the hook!

Wait, that could just be a shitty translation. Fuck

3:31 – Iwai. What. Iwai. There’s a fucking… you see the key, right? The key. In front of you. Iwai, please. Iwai

3:51 – Iwai, this isn’t the Pokemon movie, your tears ain’t doing shit. Just – look, just take the key, and… Goddamnit Iwai

3:57 – Hurray, he’s alive! Incompetence wins again!

5:45 – “You disappoint us, sharkteeth.” Fortunately for him, if this show’s general methods of brutal assassination are anything to go by (throw a girl in a lake, rescue her, attempt to hypnotize her boyfriend into killing her… invite the target to a fancy gala, put him in a fursuit and his girlfriend in a cage, attempt to strangle him in an elaborately staged supernatural battle), I assume this poison will actually just temporarily turn him into a fish or something

6:10 – Nevermind, they’ve learned! If you want to kill someone in this show, double kill them

6:50 – “Man, these fifty daggers sure do sting… good thing that poison’s dulling the pain. cough It’s a shame they didn’t… triple kill me…”

7:13 – Wait, one of the Killing Goods is just A THOUSAND KNIVES? That’s, like, an ACTUAL weapon! Isn’t there a ruleagainst that? Sharktooth, check your rule… oh. You’re dying

8:14 – Kiri bites his tongue, his mind awash in regret. Sure, they had had their disagreements… like when they met, and sharkteeth tried to kill him. Or the next time they met, and sharkteeth tried to kill him. Or this, their third and final meeting, where sharkteeth tried to kill him. But goddamnit, this was no time for squabbling! He was gonna remember the good times!

8:26 – Apparently Violet Witches wave hello with their boobs

9:30 – Is it just me, or did that explanation not fucking explain anything?

11:12 – Man, you know you’ve got some good worldbuilding on your hands when the more they explain, the less sense anything makes

11:36 – “…and shot by a gun.” Oh, so the key just flew out of his robes, not through him. Also, apparently Iwai figured out what keys do some time during all that exposition

12:09 – Wait, there are actual crime scenes in this world? I thought the police shtick was just to add a sexy uniform to the strangling stuff

12:42 – …see, now that they’ve introduced actual police, I’m just thinking how Gossip is probably the least effective and most obvious criminal organization of all time. Like, what would happen if the police busted them? SWAT team busts in! Authors bust out gardening shears and featherdusters and back-scratchers! “THEY’RE RESISTING ARREST!” BAM BAM BAM.

13:42 – “I thought of him as a troublesome little brother… who I got off on being strangled by.”

16:23 – Why do I think this scene of them discussing the murder scene is, like, basking in sexual tension? What has this show done.

And Done

HOT DAMN. Well. Jeez. I, uh, hope you guys will forgive me for failing to commentate that last scene there! Apparently my prediction was not wrong. Nope. Can’t say that it was.

Cough

Well! Anyway. About halfway through that, I was planning to pause and say “Once again, this show proves it’s at its legitimate best when it’s just the main two together.” But after that…

Yeah, fuck it, this show is at it’s legitimate best when it’s just the main two together. That totally worked. It was weird and awkward and intimate and pretty much the core of the one meaningful thing this show has been thematically striking at the whole time. Nice work! I hope their relationship actually continues to progress and be articulated this honestly and distinctly!

The rest of the episode was textbook Crime Edge, so I have no complaints. That’s kind of the unique pleasure of watching bad but distinctive shows – sure, this guy might not be able to write a competent shonen battler, but he can certainly nail the occasional fumblingly romantic teenage gesture!

Anyway, I’m gonna take a cold shower. Cya guys next week.

It’s kind of weird to adopt the stance that something is too dumb to be offensive. I mean, I live in America – I amcontinuously surrounded by ideas, organizations, and people whose stupidity in no way lessens their offensiveness. But Crime Edge, I mean… yeah, sure, it’s kind of implying that preference for kinky sex can be conflated with actual addiction, and sure it’s got all sorts of questionable (in any other writeup I’d write ‘problematic,’ but the second I use that word in the context of Crime Edge I become the punchline) notions about sex and violence, but, I mean, it’s Crime Edge. It’s like a puppy who chewed up your sneakers (have I used that metaphor? I’ve probably used that metaphor), or Uncle Nestor who sets his hair on fire at Thanksgiving cause he’s got the dementia. So yeaaah, maybe it’s, well, “misguided” in its sex politics, and yeaaah maybe the author’s conflating his own love of kinky shit with a god-given right, but, I mean, c’mon. Look at that face. Look at that stupid, stupid  face.

Episode 8

0:06 – Oh jeez, thank god they’re recapping the fifteen seconds of actual plot development that occurred last week. It’s tough to keep all this stuff straight in my head

2:45 – “Cut 08: Party Chopper.” I was going to make a joke to the effect of asking if all the episode titles had been stupid puns, but then I realized that wasn’t even a pun, that was just the word “party” with something related to scissors attached to it. Hrm.

2:51 – Okay, gotta pause, I won’t be able to pay attention until I’ve figured out a stupid pun they could’ve used instead. Hm… Cut-rate Party? No, still doesn’t really make much sense. Gossip Party? On the nose, but not cringe-worthy enough. Barber… barbed… witty… repartee…

Losing focus here. I’ll call this one a draw.

3:22 – “Could it be her?” Oh jeez, could our protagonists be having second thoughts about attending the partywhere every fucking person wants to kill them?

4:44 – That is actually my favorite moment by big sis so far. Kiri and Iwai totally captivated by the play, but big sis in the background all just shoving a fork in the appetizers. Don’t give a fuck

5:36 – “Black hair… Queen…” I don’t get it. Can someone explain this play to me? I’m not so good with symbolism

5:38 – “It’s about me.” OHHH…

6:38 – “Is the Queen real?” “I believe it.” “I dunno…” Iwai: “IT SEEMS LIKE NOT EVERYONE HERE KNOWS EVERYTHING.” It looks like the theme of this episode’s gonna be “explain everything again as soon as soon as the show finishes explaining it”

8:22 – “You two are to assist with the entertainment. Please, put on these constumes.” “Kiri, is this what people do at these parties??” Think fast bro, “Oh yeah, pff, obviously!”

10:17 – Sharktooth grin appears in the shadows.

Man, that was actually classy as fuck. It’s kind of hard to play that as a joke when they’re making such great use of his winning smile

11:20 – Hah! “She’s really strong willed. Totally not my type.” Wow, actually admitting the way these kinks work. That got an honest laugh out of me

11:54 – Hahaha, you fell for my fiendish trap! And to think, all I had to do was invite you to a party hosted by an organization founded to kill you, knowing you’d accept, and also that you’d willingly be ushered backstage and into some demeaning costumes I for some reason included in my scheme

14:11 – Big Sis sees sharktooth in a priest’s robe, Iwai in a giant cage, and Kiri choking on a spectral noose. “What the heck are they doing?!” Man, she is really redeeming herself this episode. It’s nice to see someone as barely invested in this melodrama as I am

15:05 – Big Sis’s face. “Really? A dead body? That’s tonight’s entertainment? Man, I could be at home right now, I still haven’t even finished the new season of Arrested Development…”

17:40 – I’d say that there’s no way for a fight between a dude wielding a pair of scissors and a dude who strangles you by furiously fanning through a book to possess dramatic tension, but… well, they’re kinda proposing a strong argument to the contrary

19:29 – Okay, so as heartwarming as all these flashbacks and new bursts of resolve are, how is any of this even working? “I came this far… to protect Iwai!” This is literally true, right? Since he started getting his sexy, sexy deviant urges off on the Hair Queen, there has not been a single narrative indication that he lusts for scissory blood. Why is the rulebook actually working on him this time?

This is actually kind of annoying, because having a slow-building narrative thread where his Authorial urges were spiraling out of control, to the extent where even with Iwai to Instead it up he was finding himself enjoying the fights, would be a really solid addition to the story. Unfortunately for this scene, that thread does not actually exist

21:14 – Number three! Is that a record for “most times ostensibly choked to death in a single fight”?

21:15 – BIG SIS THAT FACE YES. Seriously, is there any other way to interpret that than an “Ugh, what else is on?” face?

And Done

WELL. If this show hadn’t blown its dramatic tension load ALREADY, this episode certainly did the trick! Maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve watched a truly shitty shonen, but I think three choke-outs in one episode is pretty far beyond my limit for believing a character’s in any kind of mortal danger. That’s okay though, because Iwai spent three quarters of the episode wearing silly ram horns while mugging theatrically and crying. Clearly a net win!

Halfway through. Dear god.

It’s been hard, at times. Not just in the story – obviously I have endless leagues of sympathy for the trials of our Hero and his Hair Queen on their magical journey into the land of sexy, kinky shonen fighting.

No, it’s been hard being cruel to something so adorable. Something so honest and distinctive and endearing. This show tries pretty hard. It really does.

So today, I’m going to be nice to you, Crime Edge. Let’s be friends for a while. Hell, I’ll even show you a little bit of that thoughtful analysis I try to bring to my other write-ups – maybe I’ll even take F1’s (honestly quite defensible and even likely) perspective, and analyze your flailing not as the drunken missteps of a genre experiment gone wrong, but the crafty jabs of a fond, knowing satirist at the height of his power. Let’s call a truce for today, Crime Edge. You know I’ve always loved you.

Episode 7

0:20 – “It… it’s not like I actually want to stop killing you or anything…” Here we see Crime Edge exposing the inherent lunacy of the tsundere archetype by transposing it against non-trivialized violence, thus crafting a sharp critique of the normalized violence indicative of a classic tsundere. It begs the question, “what really does separate a mind-controlling riding crop-wielding psychopath from your textbook tsundere?” Let us think on this

…alright, there’s probably nothing more self-indulgent than a parody of my own style, and I don’t know if I could keep it up for 23 minutes without strangling myself (hot) to death (less hot) anyway. I’ll stop that

1:02 – There’s something really great about Iwai excitedly sharing the latest gossip with the emotionless fishwoman

3:49 – Welp, according to the OP’s harrowing foreshadowing, dat loli is the only Author-of-the-week remaining. Well, I personally could not have more faith in this show’s ability to maintain interest without throwing constant arbitrary bad guys at our protagonists

…actually, I’m not even kidding. I agree with xRichard’s comment from last week – the most legitimately interesting thing in this show is the Kiri/Iwai relationship, and the adorable young love parallels their hairscapades result in. If this show thinks it can scare me by doubling down on the adolescent drama, it’s gonna be sorely disappointed

4:33 – “Hm, what should the story do next? I know I’m supposed to gather all the characters in one place, but… wait… how about the bad guys throw a party, and everyone’s invited! Dear god, sometimes my brilliance scares even me…”

5:42 – “You two can flirt without a care in the world…” Oh man, this show is slamming that theme. That’s right, big sis – embrace your kink! MORE KINKS FOR EVERYONE

I’m very down with this sexual tolerance stuff. Somewhat less down with conflating rough sex with addiction, though. Win some, lose some.

5:55 – Why must the show do these stupid Powerpoint transitions. Yes, I know I’m repeating material, but the show did it first!

6:13 – Fishwoman walks in on big sis and I’m all oh man this is gonna get steamy and then fishwoman stares at the camera with those cold, dead eyes and hauaglhahhaba STOP THAT

8:15 – “You had a terrifying face… but I sure do like bread.” My god you guys, I care so little about this character’s development. I think I actually negative care, in that the more they develop her, the less I’ll care. Tsundere big sis can’t-get-attached Instead-san is like a red-headed black hole of dull and uninteresting cliches. Please, please bring back the fishwoman. I’m sorry, I was wrong, I won’t vomit at her scary eyes anymore

8:46 – AH EYES FUCK. Actually she looks kinda adorable with her hair down – like a sad meth-head puppy

9:09 – Lady, she forgave someone who literally brainwashed her own boyfriend into attempting to kill her, I think she’ll forgive you for tugging on her hair

10:00 – STOP WITH THE EYES

10:26 – You know, I never really envisioned myself reaching a point where I’d think “FINALLY we get to the fucking needle-play,” but I guess life is just full of little surprises like that

12:27 – “Onee-chan, your face looks so gentle today.” And yet I don’t think this scene even cracks the top ten of weirdest scenes so far

12:50 – Kiri, what the FUCK are you doing hair-cheating on Iwai with that rage-maiden

13:11 – “I’m doing you a favor by cutting your hair. Can’t you show some appreciation?” That’s right, rage-maiden. IT MEANT NOTHING TO HIM

13:48 – “I’m just remembering the first time you came here…” wibbly wobblyNO. FUCK YOU, Crime Edge. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS FLASHBACK. You can develop your shitty tertiary characters ELSEWHERE, thank you very much

15:13 – Oh god. Has this younger, primal Kiri-kun learned to keep his raging hair-beast inside him? This could get hai… no, I won’t.

15:56 – “I haven’t touched such beautiful hair in a long time” HE SAYS, FORCING HER BODILY AGAINST THE WALL. Okay, now THIS scene is top five, easy. Also, this is one of her FOND KIRI MEMORIES? Japan, we have a problem

16:47 – Ooooh, it was the Goods making him all rapey back then. Silly me!

16:56 – …nice work, translators. “Friscalating,” huh? I actually called bullshit on that, and looked it up – Wes Anderson invented that word for The Royal Tenenbaums, to describe the exact quality of wavering dusky sunset that last scene took place in. I don’t know whether to applaud or sigh a translation choice that will make 98% of the audience say “that’s not a word” and the other 2% spend a minute on Google determining that’s… still not really a word

17:23 – “Even still, sometimes it feels like we’re growing apart.” Yeah, we were never closer than that one time you almost assaulted me. That’s… there’s no other way to interpret this, right? They’re saying she found that super-hot, right?

20:26 – “Are people are going to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak?” It’s hard to applaud a show for having such earnest views about sexual freedom when that show also has such freewheeling views about… you know…consent

And Done

FUCK YOU, Crime Edge. I start off this episode pondering what the show will do with half its runtime remaining and all but one Author introduced… and then it turns out the answer is absolutely nothing. “Today on Crime Edge, Kiri and Iwai receive an invitation to a party, and decide to go to it. TUNE IN NEXT TIME.”

If you’re going to be bad, at least be bad in ways that are amusing to me – don’t spend three quarters of your runtime developing characters that are never going to become more than cliched scenery anyway. You disappoint me, Crime Edge.

Fortunately, next week promises to be ridiculous in all the ways I like, so I can’t be too mad at you. And with any luck we’ve run out of entirely vanilla characters for the show to pretend to care about for a few minutes

Shit, I forgot to do today’s prep work. Well, maybe we can make it a group activity, then. How about…

Take 1 drink every time hair is used as a sex metaphor.

Take 1 drink every time the spooky organs/strings come in.

Take 1 drink every time a romcom cliché is applied to a story about Hair Queens and Killing Goods.

Take 1 drink every time the show tries to tell an actual joke, proving it’s only funny when it’s not trying to be.

Take 2 drinks every time the show implies violent sex.

Finish your drink every time the show doesn’t just imply, but straight-up includes violent sexy times.

That should cover us!

Episode 6

0:44 – “I hear a voice from somewhere… it’s telling me to assault girls.” Goddamnit Crime Edge. Two drinks before I even reach the minute marker? Fuck you.

0:49 – It’s good to see Iwai is observing responsible scissor-holding posture while fleeing the zombies

2:08 – Does a camera shot aiming down her thighs as she runs count as anything? …nope, just generally weird, and if “generally weird” were a category, I really wouldn’t be getting out of this alive

3:17 – “It should have been a fun night after dinner… instead we’re here condemning Bobduh to death by alcohol poisoning.” Two more!

4:33 – “Pet Whip of Submissive Butchery.” How is everyone not watching this show? Anyway, I actually do appreciate that she’s the dominant one; but then, for as weird as all its sex stuff is, and as uncomfortable as all this sexual assault stuff makes me, the show doesn’t really seem all that backwards in its gender roles. So I guess we can now official declare Crime Edge as “more progressive in gender politics than Clannad, at least”

5:12 – Does… does this all count as one violent sex metaphor? I’m going with that, for my health

5:57 – Goddamnit, just finish your slow-walk villain monologue so Kiri can get on with unexpectedly blocking the whip

It’s weird to go directly from critiquing a show like Serial Experiments Lain to one where every single plot contrivance is the first one listed in the Anime Bible of Storytelling Cliches

6:40 – I like the doctor’s rakish grin/cigarette/literature combo. He clearly knows how to mug for the camera

7:42 – Their cries of ‘Monster’ cut deep… her hair insecurities paralyze her with shame and regret

8:00 – Nice, once again they’re forcing Iwai to be strong for her own sake. Can we now confidently declare that Crime Edge is also “more progressive in gender politics than HenNeko?”

8:08 – Oooh, hair as adultery metaphor – I like it! Still only one drink though

10:30 – “If you don’t say what you mean, I won’t understand.” See, now they’re applying classic adolescent emotional moments to the action parts of the show, which is a whole different, but still humorously effective, kind of parallel. Could this… could this show actually know what it’s doing?

11:26 – So wait, does the Crime Edge have like a Stun setting or something? Or is he just giving all of them such satisfying trims that they immediately collapse in exhaustion and delight? …or is he just murdering all these dudes?

I’m just gonna guess he’s only hitting them with the flat of his shears

12:43 – JESUS CHRIST did he give that guy a clipping. Scissors right through the cheek… Senjougahara[1] would approve

13:34 – Oshit it’s Sharktooth

15:00 – Wait, wouldn’t the rope not have killed him anyway? Is his hang-worthiness a plot development, or his hang-unworthiness a plot hole?

Dear god, it just occurred to me that things might actually happen in this show without any coherent reason. I think I need a drink to steady myself

15:20 – ‘Me, a loser? The… the gall! And yet… oh god… he’s right!‘

16:08 – Kiri, unimpressed by the Pet Whip’s emotional breakdown, casually spins his scissors like a boss

16:24 – Oh dear god. As soon as that white flash started I thought, ‘please, no, not a trite emotional flashback,’ and then of course the first line is ‘I was sad I didn’t get to play the princess in the school play’

17:01 – Wait… that’s it? I thought that school play was going to start a downward spiral, or, or something, but… her backstory is actually “one time I didn’t get to play the princess, and that’s when I knew that I was born to kill”?

18:05 – “I’ve always loved your wavy red hair… your semi-insane entitlement issues, I could take or leave.”

20:18 – “You said I was only a convenience for cutting your hair… I was kinda upset.” Welp, it looks like Crime Edge has more capacity for emotional honesty than… er, every single harem?

21:30 – No complaints here – this is an adorable and well-executed idea for a credit transition

And Done

Goddamnit Crime Edge, this isn’t Pokemon – you can’t go and immediately become best pals with everyone who tries to kill you. Well, I guess technically you can, because you’re living in a world that’s simultaneously a teen romcom, psychological sex thriller, and shounen battle adventure, but… that doesn’t make it any part of this less nonsensical.

I love you Crime Edge. Don’t ever change.

Man! Last week I was very busy writing a sloppy-kiss love letter to both Lovecraft and myself, so I didn’t actually comment on any of the things I actually liked. But rest assured, they were there! I liked the episode just descending into that lovely piano part for a full minute or so – most shows are too frenetic about their pacing to let a moment simply breathe, and I thought that song was honestly a much more natural fit for this show’s lighting and color choices than the usual histrionic Greek choir and death-organs. I liked the (admittedly unintentional) parodies of classic high school reconciliation scenes with the fish-woman (am I allowed to keep calling her that OOC?). And mainly, as always, I liked how goddamn weird everything was.

Admittedly, I spend the vast majority of my time laughing at how ridiculous everything is. But it’s… well, it’s sincere, at least. It really does want to tell its alternately bizarre and maudlin little story. Sure, most of the characters are simplistic devices, and the scenario couldn’t make less sense, and the writer’s grasp of storytelling cliches is so inept they almost universally turn into unintentional comedy, and it occasionally seems more of a vehicle for the writer’s sexual hangups than anything else… but I think there’s definitely a kind of honesty there, and I feel the original writer really did care about his endearingly weird little world. And that’s something I can appreciate.

Let’s tear it the fuck apart.

Episode 5

1:23 – I love how for once these standard absurd OP lyrics actually seem literally appropriate. She physically couldn’t move? Sure. His creaking heart could be heard for miles? Yeah, I’ll buy that. No problem.

2:47 – The joke is… boobs? Is… is that a joke? Or is it just boobs because boobs

3:47 – I guess this is fishgirl’s moe impression. Pretty good, I barely noticed her crack-addict eyes

4:45 – Oh man, this is actually great. Remember all that weird adolescent sex stuff that I find so strangely fascinating? Here’s another awesomely resonant parallel – teenagers sneaking off from camp to get all PG-13 together, except here’s it’s to cut her hair because lewd

5:17 – “I can’t wait for tomorrow.” “For the stargazing, or when we *murder the Hair Queen?!?” “The stargazing, of course. The visibility up here is just lovely.”

5:46 – A riding crop?!? Wait, the PIG MASTER?! Damnit Crime Edge, you’re stealing all the best ideas!

6:02 – “Fell victim to the Pig Master.” Welp, I know what my epitaph’s gonna be.

7:02 – Uhh… guuuys… is this… is this even a metaphor any… nope, this is just sex.

8:20 – “Don’t you girls like stars and shit?” Ever the romantic, Kiri-kun

So I’m still unsure what, if anything, this show actually has to say. I joked about it last episode, but it’s just so weird how the main pair use the hair as a metaphor for young love/sex, but everyone else is… well, just actually fucking each other. It’ll be kind of disappointing if there’s never any point aside from, “yay kinky sexy times.” But I guess this is the kinky sexy ride I signed up for…

9:31 – The Hair Queen is thinking about playing the field?!?! So what, Kiri-kun’s her, her manservant? Her hair paramour? Hairamour? Sorry.

11:37 – This actually is a pretty weird choice. Deliberately separating the sex metaphor from their actual relationship… hm. On the one hand, this does open up the door for more hilarious hair-courtship metaphors. On the other, it probably actually implies we’re in for a whole bushel of love triangle bullshit. My excitement is palpable

21:02 – “I was just… wondering what… he was doing tonight.” Time from prediction of cliched plot device to actual appearance of said plot device: 12 seconds. New record!

12:59 – I was about to ask, “Does the absurd nature of this show make me more or less entertained by these high school rival mundanities?” and then the red-headed upperclassman with a predilection for whips and swinery was introduced to the sound of screeching ridiculous organs and I got my answer

14:09 – “How do we explain their relationship?” “Fuck it, childhood friend ’em.” “But didn’t we just use…” “CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.”

14:51 – Class Pres’s diabolical plan hurtles into action as he callously scolds Kiri for oversleeping

15:20 – Okay, here’s a good way they can use this relationship development. Kiri going in mental circles about their varying expectations about the relationship, and chastising himself for assuming too much? Classic young, tentative relationship material. More of this and I’m totally down with Hair Queen’s fickle, tempestuous ways

16:20 – “They all want the same thing.” I hear that. Real talk with pig-girl.

18:00 – So their plan to kill her involves taking her out into the middle of a lake, pushing her out of the boat,rescuing her, bringing her back to the lodge, and leaving a hurtful note on her door?

Devious

21:20 – This section is playing in some super weird and very sensitive sexual assault space, but it’s definitely heartening that this conflict is currently being entirely handled by Iwai. There’s nothing actually offensive here, she’s actually kicking ass and taking names… and it’s kind of amazing to me that Crime Edge of all shows is providing a positive example of female agency and her right to control her own body. Full of surprises!

And Done

Well, shit! I’m legitimately excited to see what happens next. So I guess we kinda know the structure now – it’s basically a series of shonen battles against various Author/Insteads and their sexy, sexy Goods. I can’t believe no one thought of this completely batshit insane idea before now!

By the way, to anyone disappointed I didn’t try some new bizarre formatting experiment this week, I offer my sincerest apologies.

See you next week.