My fucking roommates are out joyriding to McDonald’s, hopped up on Mali and adrenaline. I’ve been keeping time with beer and gin to at least exist in the same hemisphere, despite the fact that eight hours of proofreading drudgery await me in the near future, and twenty hours of my last forty have been spent doing the same. My fingers are burnt from guitar and grungy from subway syphilis, my brain is half-fried, and my temper is being willfully maintained at a low simmer.
It’s time for some fucking Crime Edge.
Is it wrong for me to so look forward to the worst show I’m watching? I contemplated this question often while watching Sakurasou. Is it some failing of my character that I enjoy destroying things, that one of my greatest pleasures is seeing passionate creators fail in spectacular fashion? That it brings me such unreasonable joy to laugh at juvenile yet heartfelt narrative, incompetent yet well-meant drama?
These questions are beyond the scope of this writeup. Tonight, there is only me and
Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge: Episode 2
0:53 – Worlds collide. Paradigms are upended entirely. The Hair Queen’s hair has been motherfucking cut. Rei-esque villain #372 desperately texts her sister this shocking revelation. Our heroes watch, nonplussed.
1:22 – Are these lyrics real. Is this the real world. “A tragic destiny befell her” – hair, you mean. Hair befell her. “…and she could do naught but flail her arms.” I wish more shows were so honest about their protagonists.
1:49 – This show respects you too much to demean you with mere lesbians. No, it is lesbian imoutos that we are dealing with here.
2:30 – Man, how does this show expect us to keep being seduced by that lasciviously endless hair? The dude cut it in the first episode. We’ve all seen her professionally groomed. There ain’t no sexy hair mystery left.
3:40 – You ain’t weird, Iwai, don’t worry. I think I speak for all of us when I say everyone’s fetishized that elementary school backpack at some point.
3:50 – This is kind of weird. Why is this actually sexy to me? Hair isn’t…
What has this show done to me???
4:14 – Okay, that reference is great. I’ll admit, I’ll give bonus points to any show that can make “platinum mad” make sense in context. I guess I’m easy that way.
4:25 – Her mind races. The infinite implications of a hair-shorn Hair Queen, the devastating possibilities of a Hair Queen ingratiating herself at school, the sheer unfathomable terror of an opponent who possesses the raw power necessary to Cut Hair… bowels clenched, she desperately jabs at the phone: “what to do”
5:02 – I honestly forgot they were called Killing Goods. Is there any possible combination of words less likely to promote fear, and more likely to promote hilarity? These guys make an amateur out of me.
5:12 – Wait, a single one of these weapons is referred to as a “Killing Good?” That not how English work, Crime Edge.
6:08 – OOC: This little bit of exposition is actually pretty sweet. I like both ideas: “They are an idealized form of the weapon they represent,” and “They inspire a lust for use and violence in their wielder” are both solid ideas with great inherent potential for drama and storytelling. This point goes to Crime Edge.
6:55 – Rei-chan’s losing her kuudere cool pretty fast here. Look, we all know how hard it is not murder someone for eight hours straight. Keep it to-fucking-gether, sis.
7:12 – “You and your injection of eternal sleep, which is the secret weapon you possess that the audience should know about,” she exposits.
I guess making jokes about this show’s inability to coherently weave its character traits into its narrative is kind of a low blow. This calls for another drink.
7:49 – Apparently the exposition has only begun. It’s time for a lesson in ridiculous storytelling, courtesy of Rei-chan.
8:28 – “Cut it out” – I see what you did there. And I’m impressed – this may be the most dramatically inappropriate stupid pun of all time.
10:48 – I guess she’s just super into that licking thing. That’s cool, we’re all friends here.
11:17 – OOC: Even I can’t help but think a fight between a syringe and a pair of cutting shears is badass as hell. They’ve got me on this one.
14:03 – THIS SHOW. OKAY, I GET that you’re all about your sex metaphors. But THESE AREN’T METAPHORS. THESE ARE JUST SEX FACES.
15:03 – That’s the third time this episode the show has had a good idea, so I’ll give up on the OOC conceit for now. The character development that went on during my riffing blackouts was honestly pretty effective – if I can accept the Killing Goods (yeah, that phrase just doesn’t get any less ridiculous) as a conceit, the show’s explanation of their effect and consequences is actually pretty great stuff. A Mirrai Nikki-esque situation where everyone is driven not by inherent ludicrous craziness, but by unavoidable addiction, is a pretty solid premise.
15:36 – Aheheheh. The joke is he’s a pervert! I’d have a lot more faith in this show if it had a damn clue how to create intentional comedy.
15:44 – Just when you thought it was safe to… go back to the… hair salon.
Alright, I admit it. I find her character like 45% more interesting with the crazy hair. I am but a man!
16:59 – The Hair Queen is the original cause of the Killing Goods? What a hair raising revelation!
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my god please forgive me.
18:07 – Is it even funny to point out when this show introduces an absurd cliché in the most incompetent way possible anymore? “By the way, I happen to be part of an evil organization that delights in orchestrating murders, particularly when they are related to centuries-old hair-related murder curses.” Goddamnit Crime Edge.
19:24 – How does she fill her time? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just find it difficult to… okay, I know we’re talking about Crime Edge here. I know every single thing about this show is ridiculous. But still, her curse is:
- Has a lot of hair.
- Can’t go to school, because embarrassed re: hair.
- Lives in a lavish mansion where all her needs are provided for.
What part of this curse demands she kill herself? Seriously, this sounds like one of the most convenience curses ever invented. “Sorry, I can’t go to school today, my hair’s been really acting up lately. I guess I’ll just spend all dayvegging the fuck out in my absurdly exorbitant accommodations.” Take up a fucking hobby! Learn the upright bass and start a wicked folk-punk band! You are living the LIFE.
Anyway. I guess that’s just my opinion. Moving on.
20:30 – I mentioned this in the first episode, but it bears repeating – these two really do manage to sell that “hair as sex metaphor” conceit. They are adorable together, and the hair cutting stuff couldn’t be more blatant, yet somehow it just comes across as appropriate. Maybe I’m just into that kind of thing
Crime Edge is pretty cool, he cuts hair and doesn’t afraid of anything.
I’m enjoying this show. Let me know if you are enjoying all of this elaborate bullshit – it certainly doesn’t make watching this derpy-ass show any easier, but it’s kind of rewarding in its own way. I am your humble Author.