Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Clearly I had so much fun reviewing Strike Witches’ first episode that I needed a full series dose of High Quality Anime. Dragonar Academy was roughly as terrible as you’d imagine it to be, possessing essentially no redeeming factors whatsoever. It earns the distinct honor of being the worst full series I’ve ever reviewed for ANN, beating out such luminaries as the Bayonetta movie, Looking Up at the Half-Moon, and .hack//Legend of the Twilight. Congratulations, Dragonar Academy. You are basically as bad as a show can be.

You can check out my full review over at ANN, or my despairing notes below.

Episode 1

Opens with a green dragon, unsurprisingly

A boy who sacrificed himself for a girl

Ash Blake is the boy

The dragon becomes a lady and restores the boy

Now he has a dragon-rune arm

Ridiculous balloon-boobs all over this OP, but the lead is a loli. I guess that’s balance

And we’re already into huge boobs on the MC in the first scene

Did Ash just have sex with the dragon-lady who’s going to create his waifu?

“It’s amazing he’s made it to Senios when his parr hasn’t even been born yet”

Ash is a troublemaker

“I’m not gonna stand here and let those jokes mock my parr” alrighty

Some great “as you all know” exposition about how they’re all dragon trainers, and the political position of their country

“Why are you the only person who has the ability to ride other people’s parrs?” And of course our MC is super-special

There’s a princess, an ojou, etc

“Ice Blood Princess” Hitting basically every cliche note

“You’re planning on riding in the big race, right?” my god

And then there’s the class president, of course

Pretty standard techno music

The dragons shoot magic and create shields. Lots of beams

oh no, he gets in a fight with the princess

More sexy dragon lady times

This dialogue is sort of wandering around the most awful cliches in a really awkward way

The winner of the race gets a date with the class president

Ono, princess lady is suffering from family baggage

“Don’t expect me to thank you” ughhh

Lots of still frames here. The show can’t really depict a dragon race

Uh oh, mysterious guy in a mask

“I can see it. Because of the curse… the one that I bear”

Oh no, it’s a loli ninja in lingerie

And of course he saves her, and she chucks him off the cliff. Lol

His arm activates!

His dragon loli arrives

The classic “MC finds a floating naked girl” opening

Episode 2

Aaand she punches him for watching her sleep

Welp, naked loli boobs

She’s tsun and haughty as hell, of course

Woop, time for sleep-groping. “Could these be the play bites I’ve heard so much about?” oh my god

“The proud dragon race has no need for clothing!”

“I’m burning up. You have to help me.” welppppp

Sneeze panty flash

Princess apologizes

Dragon getting jealous

Her name is Eco

Hahahahahaha, he even has a huge bandage on his chuuni starbrand. Amazing

Spirit butterflies lead Ash to Eco

This show has some nice backgrounds. Pretty sunset colors

And now Eco’s naked in a cage

“Get over here and rescue me!”

Doctor Angela Cornwell of course turns out to be a crazy busty lady

Eco’s voice is pretty dang shrill

“COULD IT BE?!?”

And it’s another grope-punch

Wacky comedy music!

And now the doctor’s the homeroom teacher, because actions have no consequences in a story written this badly

Episode 3

Seems like today’s episode focuses on the student council president, who wants Ash Blake to join the council

Princess apparently also trips the “childhood promise with MC” flag

Incredibly generic peril music here

Rebecca’s the student council president

An “Arch” is basically a skintight battle suit

Tsun tsun dere dere tsun

Ninja girl reappears

Mask guy summons a giant monster

Annnd Eco gets grabbed by tentacles, and her clothes get ripped off. Wonderful

Giant dragon laser fight

“I’d love to lecture you about acting like a princess since you are one” gahhhh

And then Eco gets absorbed into the dragon zombie vagina

i hate my life

Yep, just tentacle groping straight-up now

Navi takes this opportunity to give some exposition on how Archs are made

“He sure is full of himself… for a mangy pet dog, that is” these lines are going to killllll meeeee

And Ash gets his power armor

“It’s not like I made it just for you or anything!”

I’M GOING TO DIE

“As long as you’re a dragon, I will ride you”

“Let us retreat”

And now he summons a giant sword and puts the dragon out of its misery

So now Ash is on the student council, which is all the important characters

Right, Sylvia is Princess’s real name

Episode 4

Sylvia flashback

Sylvia, Ash, and Eco all join the student council

She’s the school mascot now. Welp

Lots of scenes of just showing off Eco in frilly outfits

Ash now has his own fan club, because of saving the town

The Iron Blood Valkyrie!

The Silver Knight Fan Club makes their introductions, with the ojou Jessica as the leader

Cue ojou laugh

“I have one mission, and one alone – to bear the silver knight’s children and be his wife”

This sequence is apparently trying to be funny

Apparently Jessica’s family is actually in the service of Rebecca’s, and just pretends to be noble

“What’s essence? Is it tasty?” wonderful

A personal visit from Princess Veronica, Sylvia’s big sister

Sylvia’s scared of her

Yep, she’s the Iron Blood Valkyrie

Time for some princess fanservice

Apparently she’s got a huge magic airship

They’re really slowrolling this entrance

Episode 5

“Ice Blue Princess” oh huh I wonder what will happen here

Sylvia getting bullied

And her sister cuts her clothes off, because that is the kind of show this is

And Ash of course gets himself involved

Shamara is the belts and scarf ninja

Ash meets Prim, a busty maid

Bath episode

These balloon boobs are so ridiculous. Do people actually find this appealing? They don’t look anything like breasts

Sylvia’s sister has a marriage proposal for her

Ash defending Sylvia, because he’s the big damn hero

“Why did I have to be born looking like a stupid dummy dumb human?”

A friendly game of dragonball

Sylvia sucks

“Silence!” man this is awkward scripting

Eco referring to the MC as “bub” all the time sure is something

“How dare you pray about getting pregnant”

Episode 6

“Blue Brionac”

Avdocha takes the church hostage

Jessica’s strung up in her underwear, of course

“You epitomize nobility moreso than these actual nobles”

Pretty much all the fanservice in this show involves embarrassing and groping the female characters

Eco’s a “dragon,” but all she really does is make armor for Ash and get captured

Aaand Avdocha cuts Sylvia’s clothes off

“I’ve let my sister down, but I can’t do the same… to him”

“I am reborn as a new Sylvia!” god I hate this show

Avdocha swings at Ash. His clothes stay on, of course. And then he gets a big hero moment stopping the dragon

And then he summons an ice bazooka

“So you’re my future husband and father of my children, Ash!”

“Why does it feel like Ash has carried me this way before?” this show is soooo baaaad

Time for slapstick

Avdocha was actually just being used to punk Sylvia, because Veronica is a sociopath

“I guess doing something like that takes some real sisterly love, doesn’t it?” NO IT DOESN’T. HOLY CRAP THESE PEOPLE

And then the takeaway is they… round up Avdocha-inspired agitators? That’s… that’s so… GAAHHHH

Episode 7

Oh great, starting off with naked Eco and tentacles. Very promising

Eco’s naked at least half her screentime

The humor is “Ash gets punched”

New girl: Lucca, the student council secretary

Ash Blake is going to the special training camp?!? Whoa-a-a, how could we have expected that?!?!

Harem shenanigans time

Ugh, stupid faces and loud overreactions

Welp, now we gotta help loli Lucca learn to ride her dragon again

Time for lolis molesting lolis

Episode 8

Evil mask guy talks about evil mask things, then the team heads to camp

And Eco gropes Sylvia

Time for a beach episode

Still frame beach episode. No getting crazy

This Lucca conflict sure is tedious

And of course the dragon was trying to protect her blah blah blah

Episode 9

Welp, Ash slept through the whole training camp

Zombie dragons everywhere, and of course Sylvia ends up getting groped by tentacles

The show can’t actually animate dragons fighting, so it just has them shoot lasers instead

Mask dude Milghouse appears

O no, Milghouse is Sylvia’s shamed brother, noooo

Aaand now all the girls are getting tentacled

More laserbeams to avoid actual fighting

Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again

“When I’m with you I feel like I can give things my all”

Episode 10

Eco is such a complete non-character

And we meet Prim again, and she’s in underwear

Sylvia’s dad is a pervert, obviously

Sightseeing time

“I guess you can hold my hand if you want to.” god I hate anime

Ash gets “knighted” as a Dragonar

Sylvia’s thinking about having him marry her, of course. Everybody loves Ash

These shots set up for boobs

A masquerade ball

Scarf belts girl is sneaking into the castle too

Episode 11

Opening with naked maid and princess

Time to put Eco in silly outfits

Eco is insecure about Ash leaving her for a human girl

And Sylvia’s insecure about Milghouse

And Sylvia gets frightened by lightning and leaps on Ash. what a heroic dude

She falls down on top of him, but the show apparently realizes its error, and then they awkwardly flip positions

They almost kiss, but then are interrupted wah wah

Eco goes on one of those despair-runs heroines do and then finds an ancient ruin and the bad guys

Bondage ninja has an actual modern gun, for some reason

Sylvia’s ball outfit is like a half-melted spandex supersuit. She looks like the girl from Empowered

“I’ve never seen anyone dance so beautifully before, have you?” And then the show attempts to demonstrate Sylvia “dancing beautifully” by blurring the transitions between distant key frames hahahahaha

Eco just keeps getting captured, huh

“As I’m sure you’re aware, Millenium is a special form of Fafnarite. It’s made up of the mana-rich crystals said to come from thousand-year-old dragon fossils” gotta love anime

Aaand Eco’s grabbed by tentacles again. Even when it’s not actual tentacles, it’s metaphorical tentacles

“The mana detectors picked up an unknown mana reaction” oh no the mana detectors

So what did they think would happen when they pumped a mega-dragon full of thousand-year-old energy? Did anyone think this plan through past the “wouldn’t it be cool” stage?

Episode 12

The giant egg is attracting dragons. Now it hatches into a megadragon

Oh no, Ash’s SCAR BURNS

“The Star-Branded Dragonar”

Milghouse takes off his mask, and beneath it is… a face!

oh my god he’s monologuing

Aaand now big sis is getting tentacled

“Don’t you know I’m a royal dragonar of the house of Latreaumont?!?”

“If these things keep getting tighter, I’ll be broken” goddamnit

Julius is back

Ash’s dragon girlfriend got big

“You’re the only one who can save Eco” well yeah

So, uh, apparently the big sister is a siscon

Eco in a literal golden cage noooo nooot agaaaainnnn

Except this is Dragonar Academy, so she’s naked

“An Arch’s strength is determined by the strength of your feelings”

Suddenly the whole student council shows up

Oh crap Ash is naked! Ash is finally naked!

“You have to accept them, Ash. My feelings for you, okay?” ASH SHOW US YOUR JUNK

And he swipes off one of her horns, and that apparently beats the bad guy

KISS THE DRAGON

WOOO