Hello folks, and welcome back to Wrong Every Time. Today we’re returning to Monogatari’s rambling Off Season, as Nadeko does her best to hunt down her unruly past selves. Having embraced Yotsugi’s dubious suggestion of enlisting her own former identities to jumpstart her manga production, she is now in the unenviable position having to wrangle four rebellious Nadekos, each of them representing some version of herself she had hoped to leave behind her.

This is an unfortunate situation for certain, but as far as Monogatari goes, it’s not exactly an unusual one. Here, apparitions are not monsters to be defeated in glorious combat, but aspects of the self that prompt anxiety or self-loathing, emotions and personas that we’d rather deny or forget. You cannot defeat such phantoms by ignoring them – you must embrace the truth within them, accept that they are in some way a part of you, and thereby move past them, equipped with a fuller and more forgiving understanding of your own identity. Just as Hanekawa embraced her “sisters” and Araragi saved Ougi, Nadeko must accept the truth that personal reinvention is a slow, aspirational process, and that there is still something to love and learn from in her wayward past selves. And to start that process, we’re going to have to go right back to the beginning, to the meek Nadeko we first met and the school that was her nemesis!

Episode 3

Nadeko stands before her hated middle school, embarrassed to be seen in her textbook shut-in ensemble. The track suit is a classic look for such characters, so iconic that it implies she’s still basically wearing a costume, putting on a new guise rather than embracing an authentic self. Of course, “authenticity” is itself a tricky variable – activities we begin as intentional, transformative practices can become routines over time, gaining authenticity through repetition. The self-aware among us are always somewhat performing a self

“What a troublesome being she is! She’s just like me!” Meek Nadeko used her frailty as camouflage, hiding within her community’s low expectations, and acting cute to get away with her lack of engagement in the world. No surprise she’d go to ground among the protective coral of the middle school, where her more attention-drawing successor would fear to tread

Ougi offers to enter in her place, which Nadeko actually considers before admitting she has to do this herself. Love these tiny thoughtful Nadekos we get for her “hmms” though – this new hairstyle is really working for her

Ooh, more fun manga panel-reminiscent layouts as our pair begin their infiltration

My god, this OP is ridiculous. A bunch of wild Nadekos reminiscent of Mayoi’s first OP, though the melody is still another riff on Renai Circulation, following the iterative pattern of Delusion Express. Nadeko’s OPs always emphasize continuity – she’s putting on new guises, but she’s always the same person

And Yotsugi just holding her head in her hands amidst this Nadeko swarm. You caused this, Yotsugi!

But we conclude with current Nadeko running happily forward alongside her Nadeko clones, having presumably learned to embrace her past and integrate its lessons into her current identity

Ah, apparently it was actually Flirty Nadeko who fled to the school! I wonder if even these past Nadekos are attempting to reinvent themselves, or to find a place where their personas are actually valued

And of course, these bonus Nadekos aren’t all on the same side – if anything, I assume the later Nadekos have nothing but disrespect for their predecessors. Thus Flirty Nadeko stole Meek Nadeko’s outfit in order to infiltrate the school

“You shouldn’t cut yourself apart from the shikigami by saying ‘my former self,’ Sengoku.” Ougi’s words speak to the heart of the matter – Nadeko refusing to accept these copies as aspects of her authentic self. She might have been trying to reinvent herself, but all of these copies reflect meaningful facets of Nadeko as a whole, just prioritized and exaggerated so as to take up her whole personality

Nadeko’s middle school features architecture just as grand and spiraling as Araragi’s high school. Schools do tend to feel cavernous when you feel out of place within them; I still occasionally have nightmares about being late and unable to find the right classroom

Flirty Nadeko has unsurprisingly entirely taken over her classroom. She only revealed this persona to Araragi before, who in spite of his irrepressible horniness was already taken, but Nadeko’s classmates have no antibodies for a Nadeko who’s aiming to please

And our current Nadeko, so dedicated to her manga that she’s abandoned people-pleasing entirely, can’t help but feel a bit jealous. It wasn’t necessarily that Nadeko has evolved past desiring the adoration of the crowd – it’s that she’s given up on ever authentically receiving it, and has thus decided to find her pride and self-image elsewhere. But when confronted with a Nadeko who’s succeeded on the terms she once valued, the fact that she hasn’t actually gotten over those old desires becomes clear

“She was glimmering so much that it was blinding.” Would you embrace this persona as authentic if it was working for you, Nadeko? Would your lofty words about living sincerely still strike as true if the alternative was being so beloved for your falsehoods? This arc is clearly stress-testing Nadeko’s personal evolution, asking her if she turned from her prior beliefs out of genuine conviction, or simply despair at their failure to promote a happy life

“She looks like she’s having so much fun, and she’s entertaining those around her.” An understandable, unstated bitterness in Nadeko’s reflections. Why must she be the one to grow beyond such a stage, when she never got to enjoy it in the first place? Isn’t there still time for her to be young and frivolous and popular? If this was always an option, can’t sacrificing herself to art maybe wait a few years?

“If I was happy right now, I wouldn’t make an effort to chase my dreams.” Ougi summarizes Nadeko’s feelings in the bluntest way possible

“Because you have dissatisfaction and gripes, you have hopes and dreams.” People who are happy with their lives don’t feel the need to seek some ephemeral, distant horizon, something achievable only through tremendous self-sacrifice. They have integrated successfully into society, and find satisfaction in excelling at their role within it. If Nadeko could seize such ordinary happiness, she wouldn’t need to pin her hopes on the uncertain happiness of success as a mangaka

“Of course, that’s transitory in its own right. Lukewarm water will someday cool down and become cold water. It might be good for now, but you can’t hide the anxiety you feel towards your future.” Indeed, dazzling your middle school classmates with your mastery of a cute social affectation is not a lasting road to personal happiness

“Current Nadeko, who is chasing her dream, may seem even more brilliant.” It is easier to observe what is desirable about any given Nadeko as an outsider, rather than the person actually living with that Nadeko’s fears and regrets

But it’s easy for Ougi to say all of this. It’s far harder for Nadeko to banish this shikigami – to essentially close the book on this former dream, even as she watches a version of herself for whom its rewards seem to come so easily. Can she really say Current Nadeko is her true self if she’s not willing to reject the dreams that inspired her former incarnations?

Yotsugi explains the method for capturing these apparitions, the method she actually learned from Mayoi

Current Nadeko attempts to declare her validity, but is ignored by her classmates, and thus begins to wonder if her current aspect is the flimsy identity that ought to disappear. If her conviction was truly this weak, it’s no wonder she’s still in thrall to her former dreams

In the end, she actually lacks the strength to break through Flirty Nadeko’s defenses – it’s only Ougi pulling the fire alarm that returns her to her senses, and gives her the opportunity to banish this mocking phantom

Excellent color design for this escape sequence, reducing the school’s design to primary colors to increase a sense of violent contrast, and also evoke a sense of drawings that haven’t been fully colored in, furthering the framing conceit of Nadeko being the one drawing most of this drama, but here being too rushed to complete her coloring

“Because of this, it’s even harder for me to go back to school now.” But that was nonetheless essential – a clean break with that dream of superficial popularity

“I was able to reject her in the spur of the moment.” And yet, Current Nadeko still doesn’t feel confident that she was right to do so, that her current identity is superior or more sincere than Flirty Nadeko’s dreams

Ougi gets a call from Kanbaru about the middle school disturbance. Ougi interestingly opens with “I’m taking the day off due to personal reasons,” implying the two of them regularly see each other

“Have you been well?” “Yes! I’m not dead. I’m still alive.” I feel you, Nadeko

Oh god. Kanbaru’s heard reports of a topless Nadeko wandering around town

Ougi briefly recommends summoning a hundred more Nadekos to look for the existing Nadekos, but Current Nadeko is fortunately wise enough to decline

Aw shit, Nadeko runs into Sodachi!

And she has of course received her requisite character development haircut

Sodachi’s also having trouble finding a new path; she’s dropped out of college, and is currently just reading on her own time. Finding happiness is a messy, wandering process for everyone

“I told you, it’s fine to call me like old times.” Sodachi likely appreciates this fragment of constancy in her perpetually evolving life – in spite of it all, she’s still Big Sister Sodachi in Nadeko’s eyes

“When I entered college, I thought I’d change my image a bit. Though, I failed.” The haircuts are aspirational, an expression of intent to become a new, more fully realized and happier self. But it is easier to declare we are building a new self than to actually follow through on it, and I appreciate that Isin is questioning and complicating even this most reliable of his flourishes

“You absolutely can’t accept it and cry yourself to sleep.” Sodachi offers some tragically pointed advice on being bullied

In spite of not knowing the full story, Sodachi is nonetheless impressed with how much Nadeko has changed since grade school. An unbiased outside observer can offer her the frank acknowledgment that she can’t trust from herself, or from such close associates as Yotsugi and Ougi

“I tried entering college. I tried cutting my hair. I tried living alone. But in the end, I was just who I was.” The type of anxieties Nadeko is facing sadly don’t naturally dissipate after adolescence; we are all forever works in progress, and the drastic reinventions you often see even among adults are a testament to the difficulty of really, truly believing you have become your best, most fulfilled possible self. Sodachi is not abnormal; if anything, it’s Hanekawa who’s the unusual one for having seemingly figured herself out so fully at such a young age. One of several reasons I find her so inspirational

“I ran around in circles, and came back to where I originally started. That’s the same as not doing anything.” Oh, Sodachi. The setting mirrors her words, this park’s bike-rail that only goes in circles

Nadeko attempts to cheer Sodachi up by relating her own story, and Sodachi replies with a kind affirmation: “not going to school anymore won’t end your life.” We think of so many theoretical failures with such a brutal sense of finality, but it is natural to stumble, and easier than you’d expect to just keep on living. Love seeing these two offer each other what kindness they can, given how much they’ve both struggled just to be here

Of course, there’s only so long you can stay peacefully adrift, as well. Sodachi wonders to herself how long she can possibly go on like this

“I was a middle schooler who took virtually every opinion from anyone pretty seriously. And to be honest, I can’t deny I still have tendencies like that.” Sodachi can’t offer a flippant “it gets better,” but she has learned to survive alongside her prior instincts

A light whistle interpretation of “Renai Circulation” accompanies this conversation, further emphasizing Nadeko’s continuity of identity

“Don’t think that this one harsh opinion is everything about your parents. They might be secretly regretting that they told you that.” An absolutely true statement, but also a difficult one to put into practice. We are all many things at once, but single statements we make can easily stick in the minds of others, becoming representative of all our feelings due to their harsh, lasting impact. We are so good at hurting each other, at taking single outlying statements to heart, and even worse at acknowledging the multiplicity of others than we are at recognizing our own variability

Sodachi cautions against getting caught up in one interpretation of her parents’ wishes, and thereby only growing further apart

And Sodachi’s words are as much for herself as for Nadeko. Seeing a younger version of herself, caught up in all these same identity struggles, makes her assurances that such difficulties are normal convincing even to herself. Thus she decides to attend her afternoon lectures

With renewed confidence, Current Nadeko traces Meek Nadeko to the Araragi house!

And Done

Whew, that was a dense goddamn episode! Well, they’re all pretty dense when it comes to this show, but I didn’t expect such a scathing rebuke of Nadeko’s wavering convictions from Ougi to immediately lead into such a poignant reunion with Sodachi. Though their approaches could not have been more different, both Ougi and Sodachi had crucial advice for Nadeko. Ougi’s challenging of the substance of her current identity basically struck at the heart of this overall arc, emphasizing that a life path chosen purely out of desperation at not achieving your true desires will never feel like a fully legitimate identity. Nadeko must come to understand that these identities are all still a part of her, and genuinely choose to turn away from them as destiny, not because she failed in achieving them, but because they don’t encompass her full, actual self. And to this intimidating task, Sodachi offers the comforting assurance that life won’t end just because she’s uncertain – her parents aren’t trying to ruin her life, they’re just worried for her sake, and taking more time to figure out her destination is always allowed. Granted, she should maybe do that after stopping this half-naked Nadeko from wandering around the neighborhood.

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