Maaan, I had plans for this episode. Seriously, this comedy routine thing is freaking me out. I thought being insightfulwas hard… fuck, being entertaining is a lot of responsibility! So yes, I have a number of more or less entertaining full-episode conceits in the pipeline, and yes, I probably have spent a little too much time prioritizing the entertainment of you, you unappreciative rabble, over admittedly fairly relevant concerns like maintaining employment and striking some semi-artistic mark on the world. But you know what? I’m sorry. Tonight, I visited some new friends in the area, and perhaps partook of an unwise number of questionable beverages. Tonight, I got a little bit selfish, and my much-vaunted objectivity will perhaps suffer as a result. Tonight, I am drunk, and motherfucker this is what you’re getting, like it or not. Give me some fucking

Crime Edge: Episode 3

0:11 – Dear god did I miss this show. If conflating hair maintenance with sex is wrong, I don’t want to be right. And frankly, what kind of callous, coal-hearted man would deny their own proclivity towards sexy grooming? Their hypocrisy has no place in my hair-centric world

0:45 – I have to admit, I’m kind of awed by how well they maintain this hair-sex thing. The fact that my body is conflicted about how sexy this is is proof enough (I hope? I mean, we’re all friends here, right?) that they have some pretty solid understanding of how direction can affect emotional tone

1:59 – This OP makes me wonder if all OPs are this absurd. She stands aloft, stranded on a fern-strewn precipice within a… field of battleaxes? I guess? I don’t know where this joke is going, but fortunately our resident Rei/Asuka-antiheroes are here to present Rei licking Asuka’s arm in a sexy, sexy way, and that’s humor enough for the both of us

2:10 – Just realized Hair Queen is naked during this scene. Can’t wait to get some context on this one

3:05 – I just realized the Hair Queen’s tragic curse exists partially to allow the writers to dress their precious hair-muse in a new hairstyle every week. Honestly, I’m less annoyed with the obviousness of how blatantly pandering this is than the fact that it doesn’t pander to me

3:35 – It’s funny because she was happy before! It’s always encouraging when this show reminds us that it has no idea how to actually be intentionally funny

4:23 – Goddamnit are this show’s unintentional parodies wonderful. Right here, we have the classic “my talent isn’t that great, don’t make a big deal out of it” statement by some secondary character, followed by the “don’t sell yourself short, I think you’re amazing!” statement by our secretly not so secretly godly protagonist. But because this is Crime Edge, the talent they’re comparing is motherfucking hair. Don’t sell yourself short, secondary love interest – your ability to continue growing the hair that inevitably vomits out of your scalp is super fucking impressive! Clearly I have a great deal left to learn!

5:36 – Alright, cut the bullshit Kiri. That hair is nuts and I need to know the truth

6:00 – I’m sorry, but how can I make fun of these scenes? “Her hair is so shiny, like a baby’s… does she have some kind of disease?” This is inherently hilarious. It’s like pointing and laughing at a clown’s red nose and oversized shoes. This show is so ridiculous it is making my job virtually impossible

7:24 – “His Goods is that of a hammer.” Is it the original writer, screenwriter, or translator that is responsible for crimes against humanity like that sentence? Who precisely do I have to kill to make sure that kind of tense disagreement never occurs again?

7:33 – Well, now we’re fucked. If it’d merely been the Sledgehammer of Indiscriminate Maiming, or perhaps the Sledgehammer of Delightfully Ironic Massaging, we’d have been golden. But the Sledgehammer of Crushing Disintegration…

8:33 – Could someone please remind me what any of these fucking Killing Goods have to do with the Hair Queen in the first place?

8:50 – Awww, Junkie Rei’s on their side after all. How heartwarmingly predicable

10:47 – Credit where credit’s due – “her change of clothes” followed by a dramatic bolt of lightning was a pretty effective gag. The less said about the sexytimes horn accompaniment, the better

12:00 – You seem tense. Let me tell you about my terrifying lineage of murder-happy ancestors

13:06 – WTF? Straight-up naked girls? I certainly don’t see how this appeals to my blindingly pure hair fetish. Way to demean your audience, Crime Edge

13:45 – Hair AND nudity? Now THIS is more like it

13:55 – “So this is how it grows – in a series of five Gaussian-blurred frames. Obviously…”

14:47 – On this day, fourteen minutes and forty-seven seconds into the third episode of Crime Edge, the show itself finally realizes hair-cutting is a metaphor for sex. Let this day live in infamy and regret for all of eternity

15:43 – Dear christ, I better close all these doors or the man who obliterated an entire wall of our house will be able to get to us

20:00 – Well goddamn. Alright, I’ll admit it – at its best, this show is the Gurren Lagann of barber empowerment fantasies. That fight scene was hot to death, Crime Edge. Trade off between that and the super-weird, super-intimate hair-sex stuff, and we might really have something here

And Done

Against all odds, this show relentlessly continuous to be Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge. I had my doubts, but they were proven unfounded and frankly predicated on cowardice. At this point, anyone who doubts this show will continue to be Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge should be tried, shot, and hung, preferably simultaneously. If your hair isn’t quivering by now, get your traitorous ass the fuck out of here

My fucking roommates are out joyriding to McDonald’s, hopped up on Mali and adrenaline. I’ve been keeping time with beer and gin to at least exist in the same hemisphere, despite the fact that eight hours of proofreading drudgery await me in the near future, and twenty hours of my last forty have been spent doing the same. My fingers are burnt from guitar and grungy from subway syphilis, my brain is half-fried, and my temper is being willfully maintained at a low simmer.

It’s time for some fucking Crime Edge.

Is it wrong for me to so look forward to the worst show I’m watching? I contemplated this question often while watching Sakurasou. Is it some failing of my character that I enjoy destroying things, that one of my greatest pleasures is seeing passionate creators fail in spectacular fashion? That it brings me such unreasonable joy to laugh at juvenile yet heartfelt narrative, incompetent yet well-meant drama?

These questions are beyond the scope of this writeup. Tonight, there is only me and

Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge: Episode 2

0:53 – Worlds collide. Paradigms are upended entirely. The Hair Queen’s hair has been motherfucking cut. Rei-esque villain #372 desperately texts her sister this shocking revelation. Our heroes watch, nonplussed.

1:22 – Are these lyrics real. Is this the real world. “A tragic destiny befell her” – hair, you mean. Hair befell her. “…and she could do naught but flail her arms.” I wish more shows were so honest about their protagonists.

1:49 – This show respects you too much to demean you with mere lesbians. No, it is lesbian imoutos that we are dealing with here.

2:30 – Man, how does this show expect us to keep being seduced by that lasciviously endless hair? The dude cut it in the first episode. We’ve all seen her professionally groomed. There ain’t no sexy hair mystery left.

3:40 – You ain’t weird, Iwai, don’t worry. I think I speak for all of us when I say everyone’s fetishized that elementary school backpack at some point.

3:50 – This is kind of weird. Why is this actually sexy to me? Hair isn’t…

What has this show done to me???

4:14 – Okay, that reference is great. I’ll admit, I’ll give bonus points to any show that can make “platinum mad” make sense in context. I guess I’m easy that way.

4:25 – Her mind races. The infinite implications of a hair-shorn Hair Queen, the devastating possibilities of a Hair Queen ingratiating herself at school, the sheer unfathomable terror of an opponent who possesses the raw power necessary to Cut Hair… bowels clenched, she desperately jabs at the phone: “what to do”

5:02 – I honestly forgot they were called Killing Goods. Is there any possible combination of words less likely to promote fear, and more likely to promote hilarity? These guys make an amateur out of me.

5:12 – Wait, a single one of these weapons is referred to as a “Killing Good?” That not how English work, Crime Edge.

6:08 – OOC: This little bit of exposition is actually pretty sweet. I like both ideas: “They are an idealized form of the weapon they represent,” and “They inspire a lust for use and violence in their wielder” are both solid ideas with great inherent potential for drama and storytelling. This point goes to Crime Edge.

6:55 – Rei-chan’s losing her kuudere cool pretty fast here. Look, we all know how hard it is not murder someone for eight hours straight. Keep it to-fucking-gether, sis.

7:12 – “You and your injection of eternal sleep, which is the secret weapon you possess that the audience should know about,” she exposits.

I guess making jokes about this show’s inability to coherently weave its character traits into its narrative is kind of a low blow. This calls for another drink.

7:49 – Apparently the exposition has only begun. It’s time for a lesson in ridiculous storytelling, courtesy of Rei-chan.

8:28 – “Cut it out” – I see what you did there. And I’m impressed – this may be the most dramatically inappropriate stupid pun of all time.

10:48 – I guess she’s just super into that licking thing. That’s cool, we’re all friends here.

11:17 – OOC: Even I can’t help but think a fight between a syringe and a pair of cutting shears is badass as hell. They’ve got me on this one.

14:03 – THIS SHOW. OKAY, I GET that you’re all about your sex metaphors. But THESE AREN’T METAPHORS. THESE ARE JUST SEX FACES.

15:03 – That’s the third time this episode the show has had a good idea, so I’ll give up on the OOC conceit for now. The character development that went on during my riffing blackouts was honestly pretty effective – if I can accept the Killing Goods (yeah, that phrase just doesn’t get any less ridiculous) as a conceit, the show’s explanation of their effect and consequences is actually pretty great stuff. A Mirrai Nikki-esque situation where everyone is driven not by inherent ludicrous craziness, but by unavoidable addiction, is a pretty solid premise.

15:36 – Aheheheh. The joke is he’s a pervert! I’d have a lot more faith in this show if it had a damn clue how to create intentional comedy.

15:44 – Just when you thought it was safe to… go back to the… hair salon.

Alright, I admit it. I find her character like 45% more interesting with the crazy hair. I am but a man!

16:59 – The Hair Queen is the original cause of the Killing Goods? What a hair raising revelation!

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my god please forgive me.

18:07 – Is it even funny to point out when this show introduces an absurd cliché in the most incompetent way possible anymore? “By the way, I happen to be part of an evil organization that delights in orchestrating murders, particularly when they are related to centuries-old hair-related murder curses.” Goddamnit Crime Edge.

19:24 – How does she fill her time? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just find it difficult to… okay, I know we’re talking about Crime Edge here. I know every single thing about this show is ridiculous. But still, her curse is:

1. Has a lot of hair.
2. Can’t go to school, because embarrassed re: hair.
3. Lives in a lavish mansion where all her needs are provided for.

What part of this curse demands she kill herself? Seriously, this sounds like one of the most convenience curses ever invented. “Sorry, I can’t go to school today, my hair’s been really acting up lately. I guess I’ll just spend all dayvegging the fuck out in my absurdly exorbitant accommodations.” Take up a fucking hobby! Learn the upright bass and start a wicked folk-punk band! You are living the LIFE.

Anyway. I guess that’s just my opinion. Moving on.

20:30 – I mentioned this in the first episode, but it bears repeating – these two really do manage to sell that “hair as sex metaphor” conceit. They are adorable together, and the hair cutting stuff couldn’t be more blatant, yet somehow it just comes across as appropriate. Maybe I’m just into that kind of thing

And Done

Crime Edge is pretty cool, he cuts hair and doesn’t afraid of anything.

I’m enjoying this show. Let me know if you are enjoying all of this elaborate bullshit – it certainly doesn’t make watching this derpy-ass show any easier, but it’s kind of rewarding in its own way. I am your humble Author.

This first week is going to kill me.

Dansai Bunri no Crime Edge. The concept makes no sense, and the conflicts as portrayed in the PVs looked generic as hell, but they had plenty of style. Let’s see what’s under the hood.

Episode 1

0:55 – “There was a Hair Queen at that place…” This is gonna get weird, isn’t it?

0:57 – Whips out scissors. Yep, it’s gonna get weird.

1:46 – I thought the overwrought pauses of the PVs were just for the sake of that format, but it looks like that’s the modus operandi around here.

1:55 – Also, bewildered eyes + “PONY CANYON” = comedy gold

3:24 – At this point, I’m beginning to realize making jokes at the show’s expense is just silly – the show knows it exists in a ridiculous world, so I just gotta go there with it. I’ll get my scissors.

3:50 – Okay, what is this terrifying shot of his family demanding he stop “cutting?” What the fuck did he do?

5:21 – This show isn’t playing with the weird space it occupies as well as Mysterious Girlfriend X did, but I do like these tricks of deflecting the weird awkwardness of young sexuality onto hangups like this. I think adding some random fetish like this helps to externalize the emotional vulnerability of these situations.

5:38 – Hah! Then they make the metaphor explicit with Hair Queen’s “Sigh. Can’t get it up?” face

6:46 – DAMN is this show ever going there.

7:57 – Can’t quite decide if I like the combination of overt anime-ism and the melodramatic intimacy stuff yet – whether they keep each other from going too far, or just clash.

8:30 – Well this is some ham-handed exposition. I guess there’s no graceful way to say, “This show will be about an absurd criminal organization based on a lineage of murderers, and also hair”

9:18 – I have to say, these melodramatic camera angles, lighting choices, and songs are starting to grow on me. It’s an endearing kind of ridiculous.

10:11 – Sees a woman, is consumed by hair-cutting lust… falls in love with the woman with uncuttable hair… learns to manage his urges…

Dear god, is this show an abstinence metaphor? Is that hair-fondling virginity he just lost this show’s version of good, Christian, “heavy petting?”

12:30 – Day after day, I pray to the gods of anime for a romance that involves a couple actually in a relationship. Today I get my wish, and the show’s about hair-cutting fetishes and secret murderers.

CURSE YOU, MONKEY’S PAWWWW!

14:51 – “UWA! K-K-KILLING GOODS!” God this show’s so stupid. I love it.

15:22 – “What can I do for her? I can’t even cut her hair!” Anime of the year.

16:08 – “I wasn’t gonna mention it, but… we’re the descendents of a cult of secret murderers. Just FYI”

17:39 – They must have had so much fun making this show. That absurd slow-pan across his terrifying scissors, contrasted against the full moon, as the organ plays its operatic funeral march. This is like the JoJo of daytime soap operas.

23:14 – I don’t think I’ve ever been more confident an episode would end with a “cut to lurking sinister forces” shot. My god this show.

And Done

AHAHAHAHA YES. Wow. So entertaining. Gloriously stupid, gleefully melodramatic, reveling in the tropes of its genre while taking them way, way too far in the lighting, in the lethargic directing, in the standout absurd musical score. JoJo is definitely the right word for it.

Also, that “hair as sex metaphor” stuff was actually pretty unique, and the million ways they kept making the parallel (the two of them stretched out on the bed after her first “death” (oh hey, there’s another parallel) – all that scene needed was Kiri smoking a cigarette) were really entertaining to me. I kind of doubt actually commentating this one will be worth it, since I get the feeling it will just continue to be ridiculous in the same ways, but we’ll see. It turns out what was “under the hood” was a mass of weird sexual hangups, self-seriousness, and self-indulgent lunacy. My expectations were certainly exceeded on this one.