I don’t always (in fact, I don’t often) agree with them, but I think Cart Driver[1] pretty much had Valvrave’s number regarding that first episode. The most blandly anime anime in the anime kingdom. I ain’t doing a real writeup for this, but you might as well know beforehand that my current expectations won’t be tough to exceed.

Episode 2

1:30 – Wow, I am impressed. Shooting a gun out of your subordinate’s hands… without looking at him… from behind your back… while lying prone on the ground.

Fuck, I said I wasn’t going to do a real writeup. Well, I still won’t. Starting now.

2:04 – I love those custom anime guns that only graze people’s noses, and never actually scar or, god forbid, kill them.

Goddamnit I’m doing it again.

2:09 – Goddamn this fucking gun! Why will it perfectly disarm an opponent when fired behind the back while lying down, but only graze my target’s shoulder when I hold it in both hands while looking straight at him??!!

2:41 – AHAHAHAHAH THEY SWITCHED BODIES?!?! Oh my god that’s beautiful

3:42 – This generic-ass OP. At least Geass had, “I CON-TIN-UE TO FIGHT! I CON-TIN-UE TO FIGHT!” to entertain me

4:04 – It is at this moment, watching a parade of color-coded neon robots present their glowing phallic symbol-weapons, that I realize this show is Not Going To Be For Me. But hey, I’m already sitting in this chair, can’t stop now.

4:27 – Gawd, so many fucking characters in this OP. There’s definitely a specific audience type this sort of thing caters to – it’s like a lesser version of Horizon in the Middle of Nowhere, where the sheer volume of data the world contains is for some reason very compelling to a certain audience. It’s not my thing, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with it – it just makes tight storytelling and pacing/emotional beats that much harder (but not impossible) to pull off.

5:10 – “I’m the boss in this school, shitheads” – he’s exaggerating, but it wouldn’t actually surprise me for the superintendent of their school system to be a fourteen year old loli.

5:15 – Finally, someone discovers a use for those goddamn pistols – just hit people in the head with them

…as I typed “them” in that sentence, OpenOffice auto-corrected to “thematically.” Not sure how I feel about that

5:53 – Using his rocks-paper-scissor skills to test his identity is actually a pretty cute gag. That writer has earned their salary

6:26 – “The body doesn’t forget how to fight” – so it’s Bourne Identity – Bishie Edition.

7:30 – Is the show expecting any of this political nonsense to resonate in any way? Oh! That’s another issue I have with the “raw data” worldbuilding style – unless you set your conflicts in personal or thematically resonant terms, they have a tendency to be emotionally sterile. I don’t inherently care whether the Jibberjabbians successfully defeat the Zamafloovians – either your points have to resonate with something real, or your characters have to be people I care about

7:55 – So this guy’s Geass power is… shooting people with a gun

On the other hand, it’s actually pretty intense that a default wishy-washy high school protagonist just straight-up murdered two people and justified it as necessary casualties of war. Perhaps this guy is more entertainingly crazy than I thought

8:52 – Okay, who’s got the gif of Our Hero belly-diving the scientists from a helicopter and landing with his foot in that guy’s face?

10:18 – Alright, that actually is a pretty sweet Geass, I have to admit. I’d be more excited with the narrative possibilities if the OP weren’t so dedicated to robots fighting pew pew, but I guess that’s the kind of things OPs naturally highlight, so maybe this will actually be more fun than I thought

13:07 – Blitzendegen… so these guys are literally space Germans.

…fine.

15:50 – Isn’t there like, an entire armada watching as these teenagers deal with their hormonal betrayal issues? Do they have any thoughts on these proceedings?

16:07 – Oh FUCKING REALLY? SHE’S ALIVE? As if giant robot shows didn’t have low enough stakes already

18:26 – L-Elf was so moved by Hero’s tears for his lady love that he decided to actually help him defeat his own cause? I… guess that makes as much sense as anything else that’s happened

21:45 – And he sidesteps the love confession. Welp, that completes my anime cliché bingo sheet. In fact, that completes the entire fucking grid. I’m done. Episode paused, episode closed. Packing up. Going home.

Finally Done

Final thoughts: Why.

Okay, so I gotta think about this show that way, then. In that case, I’d say this show is actually a lot less enjoyable than Crime Edge – although it’s equally terrible, it’s terrible in a much more routine, polished way, and not in the delightfully weird and sex-obsessed way Crime Edge happens to be. This show is just like the Platonian ideal of highly budgeted generic bullshit. It is anime as written by fairly stupid robots

Valvrave. Honestly, this one’s a little borderline for me. Code Geass was a very fun ride, but never more than that – and this show seems more interested in how super awesome giant robots are in and of themselves, whereas they were basically treated just as useful forces of brutality from Lelouch’s perspective (I think my favorite line of that whole show was his “fucking jocks!” as he failed to sprint up the bell tower). But these people can polish, and these people can entertain. Let’s see what else they can do.

Kakumeiki Valvrave – Episode 1

1:03 – Dear lord this show looks expensive.

6:57 – This has all been rote setup so far, but here’s an actual line.

“Happiness isn’t something you can divide in half.”

It’s a bold and provocative stance, reflective of more than a few very pressing global conflicts, and makes me think this show might actually be about something. They had my curiosity before, but, for the moment, they now have my attention.

8:17 – I hope this girl doesn’t get the Shirley treatment. Partially because Shirley was an awful presence who seemed almost designed to be wished dead by the audience, but also partially because she was pretty indicative of the “everything but the kitchen sink” approach to Code Geass which resulted in a whole student council’s worth of pointless side characters. Ooh, and also because love triangles are just cheaper, less realistic drama than two characters actually working out their disagreements with each other, not just being divided for artificial drama’s sake.

11:13 – Tshaaaaw! Pew pew!

14:42 – Maaaan. Why did I have to jinx her by invoking Shirley? Goddamn fridged love interests.

19:00 – Eh. On the one hand, the Neo surgical-training thing sure is plot-convenient. On the other, the process of learning this stuff is generally pretty compelling material. Hopefully they’re skipping this because the plot has bigger fish to fry, not because someone being good at roboting is more awesome than someone being terrible at it.

21:01 – Okay, now this is a really interesting idea. Have him go public immediately, and actually integrate the social media sphere’s response and perspective on him into the main narrative of the show. Lots of interesting, unexplored potential there. Compelling Idea #2.

24:11 – HAH! Now that THAT’s how you write an end tag. Tune in next time, fuckers!

And Done

Alright then! That episode was pretty much on the borderline of interest for me to keep watching – most of its elements were pretty rote (concept, characters, plotting, dialogue), and budget honestly does nothing for me, but there were a couple nuggets of interesting ideas stuck in there, and enough hints at the way the elements of the world are going to start working together that I’m definitely intrigued. I feel a show like this really needs a few episodes for the many characters and factions to actually click into place anyway; it doesn’t have that Geass spark yet, but I’m willing to give it a chance to get there.