You guys are assholes. You know that, right? I get all optimistic and bright-eyed based on one half-decent episode, and the entire comment section starts friggin’ salivating. So yeah, apparently this episode’s gonna be another round on SAO’s wild rape train, or something equally horrible, and I should probably just steel myself for whatever hell awaits, but I’M NOT GONNA LET IT BE LIKE THAT. Sure, the one character whose journey I actually liked is out of the picture now. And sure, the conflict has now likely come down to the three characters who are co-responsible for everything terrible SAO has become. And SURE, Sword Art Online is always at its worst when Kirito needs to be a hero, and this problem will probably only be amplified by the fact that Snidely is such a transparently absurd cartoon villain, and Asuna will undoubtedly end up being used as more hero-fodder in some gratuitous and narratively despicable way…

Wait, where was I going with this.

Alright. Fuck it. I’m ready for this. Positivity, resilience, strength. It cannot possibly be worse than it has been. It cannot possibly be worse than it has been. It cannot possibly be worse than it has been.

Let’s Sword Art Online.

Continue reading →

I have now passed what I have been informed are both “the low point” and “the high point” of this second arc – The Dream of the Power Fantasy’s Waifu and The Fall of the House of Imouto respectively. If I still possessed the capacity to feel things, I assume this would generate a feeling of accomplishment – as is, much like my old friend SAO, I can only roughly approximate emotions while smiling a little too widely at the camera. However, in spite of me not really being invested in her story, I actually do like Sugu as a character, and I’m hoping the end of last week’s episode will prompt a bit more real life drama this time. Alfheim itself has been a bust, but all the stuff around it has been on a much higher level of writing and direction than Sword Art Online normally musters. Meaning that even though I’m sure this arc’s actual finale will combine everything I dislike about Kirito, Asuna, and the show itself, there’s a good chance Sugu may lend some actual poignancy to the final climb.

Or Oniichan will just give her a hug and then she’ll be back in the harem and this will just end up being one of those “I’ll let Asuna have you… FOR NOW” Anime Things and everything will well and truly be terrible.

POSITIVITY.

Continue reading →

I announced last episode’s post with the line “I hope you like suffering,” at which point it suddenly occurred to me that Sword Art Online is kind of more clever than it realizes. Normally “I hope you like suffering” is used to refer to shows that contain suffering – shows wherein the characters themselves actually suffer. Sword Art Online certainly has plenty of that, but what I was actually referring to was that the process of watching it is suffering. And now that I’ve realized the relationship I share with this show, I think I can almost appreciate what it’s forcing me to do. Sword Art Online is the cartoon villain of this story – Sword Art Online is punishing me, and last episode was clearly its cruelest attack yet. But as the show itself constantly demonstrates, cartoon villains only really do evil things so the hero can look awesome defeating them. And if Sword Art Online is the villain of this story, then fuck it, I’m ready to be the hero.

So thanks for being such an unrepentant, terrible dick, Sword Art Online. All this despair, all these awful narrative choices and gross abuses of your characters – they’ve all set you up as a horrible, monstrous creation, and I’m ready to look awesome striking you down.

Cue the goddamn hero music. Four episodes left, Sword Art Online. Let’s dance.

Continue reading →

Five episodes to go. That’s less than half a dozen. That’s shorter than FLCL. That’s barely a movie’s worth of time.

This arc has been slow, and bad, and regularly pointless, and gross in a lot of ways the first half never even threatened to be, but…

Five episodes left. That’s doable. That’s fine! And people say this is as bad as it gets, meaning once I’m through this, I can actually look forward to the next season! And those’ll be going up as it actually airs, so I don’t even have to listen to you guys chuckling to yourselves about whatever horrors are still waiting for me. We’ll get to experience it together.

Five episodes left. If we’re going by the current ratio, that means we’ve only got maybe fifteen more minutes of horrible Asuna-assault scenes to get through, IN TOTAL. And hell, she’s actually gotten out of her little cage! I doubt this show will actually let her do anything, but it might mean her next couple scenes will be relatively rape-free, at least.

How have I reached the point where I am comforting myself with sentences like that.

Alright, fuck it. Let’s make it to four episodes left. Continue reading →

Hello hello hello again. I hope you guys enjoyed that last one – I actually had a paragraph written up about how Kirito’s presence kind of destroys the narrative, but decided to illustrate that in a slightly different way. Hopefully that still came across! Sword Art Online is super insecure about making sure you like Kirito, and so it warps everyone else to make sure you understand he is courageous and attractive and a friend to all the woodland creatures.

That post’s format also meant I didn’t actually engage with anything that episode actually did do, but the episode did have a couple moments worth covering. Kirito’s transformation, I’m actually fine with – yeah, it’s ridiculous that he’s powerful enough to take on a dozen other characters, but if he’s going to do that, having him abuse fear and confusion is certainly more believable than having him just be that tough. And his “sometimes I just go crazy in battle” line seemed both good and bad – on the bad side, it definitely plays into his Tragic Hero cliche, but on the good side, it demonstrates the show might actually be aware of how glorifying all of Kirito’s violent exploits is kind of a weird thing to do.

The other point worth mentioning is Kirito’s final speech, about the consequences of your choices in a videogame world. The first arc more or less proposed the point that experiences in a videogame world are perfectly valid, and if it had actually successfully articulated the points its narrative constructed, it would have ended with “sharing these experiences makes them valuable, videogame or not.” That would have actually closed the book on Kirito’s inconsistently articulated loner issues while also illustrating a theme that makes real use of the setting. The first arc didn’t really do that, but that’s just a failing of the writing, not the idea. This arc seems to be continuing into a corollary of that idea – because your choices in a videogame are meaningful, those choices also reflect on you as a person back in the real world. In fact, your choices in a videogame might actually reflect your most true self, because they are the choices you make when given total freedom.

I like that! I really like that thread. I also like that it plays off what Kirito wants to believe – it’s easy for him to say this stuff, because he’s a person who deeply loves videogames and acts like a hero in videogame realities. I like that these points might be true even if he’s articulating them for selfish reasons.

Unfortunately, this is SAO, so I doubt all this stuff is going to come together. But I can still hope, at least!

Continue reading →

I believe it started when I was twelve years old.

I’d been normal, before that – more or less. I had friends, family. Sometimes we disagreed, sometimes we fought – it was a normal childhood, full of normal relationships. People would listen to what I say, and respond based on whether they agreed or disagreed. It didn’t seem unusual. I didn’t know how precious it was.

Then it happened.

It began with the girls. When before, they’d generally just treated me with friendship, cordial distance, or dislike, now they started stuttering. Blushing as they spoke to me, or just awkwardly turning away. Telling me I was a dork, and then staring at me over their textbook, day after day after day. And it wasn’t just a few girls – not just some usual schoolyard crush. It was every female in my presence, always, forever.

Then it started with the boys. Some began laughing uproariously at anything I said, matching my every word and gesture with a “you said it, bro!” Younger boys began to preen and sulk, acting like attention-starved children. Men began to point at me in elevators, cackling wildly as I walked away. You were either with me or against me, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it – no matter how I acted, no matter what I said, women fell for me, boys idolized me, and men stared at me through wild eyes and steepled hands.

I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know what would make it stop. Was I being punished, somehow? Was it some kind of cruel cosmic joke?

All I know is that I am no longer one of them. They can’t help it – though I see them act like human beings among themselves, in my presence, they become slaves to their own instincts. They love me or despise me, all acted out in some sick approximation of human emotion, all entirely beyond my control. I am a monster, now. I am cursed.

I wander this simulacra of reality, haunted by simulacra of human beings. It suits me, I suppose. God or devil, I only know that I am alone.

Continue reading →

SAO crossed some lines last week, and once you’ve crossed those lines, it’s fairly difficult to uncross them. We no longer have the threat of Kirito actually dying to provide momentum, so instead we’ve introduced a crazy man who actively threatened to rape Asuna and keeps her in a cage. This scary man is the threat, the threat which Kirito must vanquish before it can defile his helpless woman.

This is one of the oldest, laziest, most regressive and cheaply founded and identity-diminishing narratives in the Man Narrative book. Sword Art Online is not a good show, and it’s been pretty happy to revel in lonely guy power fantasies for basically its whole running time, but this is definitely a new low for the series. It’s bad enough that I feel it’s important to actually point it out here in this unusually somber introduction, before I go on to become implicit in trivializing the fundamental shittiness of this author’s choices by making jokes about them. Rest assured, I will make jokes about them! This is some dumb, ugly shit, and laughter is, if not actually an actual doctor-prescribed medicine, at least a nice way of flipping off shitty attitudes to maybe not feel so depressed about them all the time. In trying to create a big scary villain, this author has unwittingly created a much more relevant and believable Bad Guy – the show itself. SAO is the enemy now. Time to go to war.

Continue reading →

Alright, let’s keep this train rolling! Last episode was ultimately kinda dull, but it had to establish a lot of exposition-stuff that should now let us actually get moving again. It’s looking like Kirito will be able to skip Yui’s lesson in Z-targeting, so hopefully we can just enlist Not Kirito’s Sister into the party and be on our way. Alfheim, ho!

Continue reading →

Well that was… something. We’ve upgraded from a villain who’s more or less a non-presence to a villain who actively takes pleasure in not acting like an actual human being. In the course of one ridiculous scene, Sword Art Online managed to instantly dissolve any tension this arc could create by predicating itself on the most absurd conflict imaginable. Kirito must now save his helpless waifu from Dr. Evil.

I feel like it must seriously take willful dedication to screw up character writing that badly. This isn’t “I don’t know how to write distinctive human beings” bad – Kirito already exhibits that, and this guy is not like Kirito. This is like that scene in Attack on Titan’s first episode, when the recon group is coming back from a terrible mission, and everybody crowds the streets to see who’s still alive. And one woman comes out to ask what happened to her son, and you think “oh, well, that’s kinda on-the-nose, but sure, they gotta give this sadness an individual context.” And the captain motions to one of his soldiers and says “it’s little Jimmy Stetson’s mom, bring it here,” and the soldier brings over this rag-covered thing, and the lady opens it up and HOLY SHIT IT’S A SEVERED HAND AND AHHHH GOD “THIS IS ALL WE COULD FIND” AND “AHHH HOLY SHIT MY SON IS DEAD” AND “AHHH THAT’S RIGHT YOUR SON IS DEAD GOKU, HEEEEE’S DEEAAAAAAD.”

This is like that except it’s the show’s actual antagonist instead of one horribly directed scene. This is like the actor comes on stage and says “what’s my motivation” and the director goes “alright, you just got back from eating babies, and later tonight you’re going to set fire to some orphanages, and right now you’re mad because you got blood on your shoes from curb-stomping the elderly. Aaand SCENE.”

This is actually pretty great. Let’s see what they do next.

Continue reading →